Breathe … that’s what I tell myself as I take in the fresh Adirondack air as I do my yoga stretches on the dock to the sound of the loons and the quiet rustle of leaves. It’s the perfect July morning, and a day that will be filled with the smells of grilled burgers and exploding fireworks. Happy 4th. I truly appreciate our independence and freedom.
Have you ever had a moment when you wake up to complete clarity?
Ever carried the weight of something on your shoulders for years, and suddenly found it released?
The true purpose of life is about lessons that strengthen us, make us better, make us more well rounded and experienced. But sometimes those lessons knock us on our butts.
Living a Dream
A few years ago I was telling a story to a friend about my experience with a company I had founded in Silicon Valley. When I started the company, I was living the dream. I was mingling with superstars in the midst of the dot-com boom, people who today are household names. I was in the middle of the action, living the dream.
Dream Destroyed
So what could possibly go wrong? As I was telling the story, I caught myself telling another story I had been telling myself, to soothe my personal pain. It was a story of blame, of circumstances that were caused by other things, like 9/11. But suddenly, I was thinking of the story in a new way. I had told this story of failure time and again, yet this time it was different. And this time the story ended differently. I finally admitted to myself that I screwed up, that I owned the failure, that it was not someone else’s fault, it was mine.
Later the same day, I had a huge moment of clarity. I had been telling this story to myself for two decades, and I had stopped trying big things, taking big risks, because I did not want to relive that pain.
Wow.
Twenty years of opportunity wasted.
My friend Michelle Abraham recently shared a powerful quote from her dad, the great Jay Abraham.
“Defeat is not permanent.” — Jay Abraham
How would my life have changed if I had not cowered in the corner, if I had jumped right back in?
In our conversation Michelle said, “It doesn’t matter if you fail. But if you give up, your life is over.”
Gun Shy
Though I moved on to other things, other ideas and dreams, I realized I had not accomplished one big dream because I had become gun shy. I was telling myself I would never again subject myself to harsh, sometimes mean investors, or to overly aggressive boards of directors.
I was throwing myself a pity party, no longer taking chances on big ideas. And for years I had blamed others. But I was the problem. My perception was the problem. My fear got in my way.
What about you?
What are you telling yourself that isn’t really true?
What are you avoiding because it was painful? Would it be painful again? Would a change of perspective make a difference?
Looking back, I think I’d be completely different today, able to deal with any adversity thrown my way. Even if I had jumped back in soon after, I’d have figured it out, as long as I was willing to stop blaming others.
Hit Me Again!
Accepting the blame for your own failures is one of the most empowering things you can do.
Like a fighter who has been wounded, you know what to expect and are willing to take more hits. The key is knowing there will be hits, knowing they will be painful, but having the tenacity and courage to remain standing.
And … if you do fail, it’s not permanent.
Avoiding Love
I have a friend who had a bad marriage that ended. So, instead of getting back out there, he never dated again. Though there is a normal grieving period or recovery time, “never again” is too long. And the marriage’s failure was 50 percent his own fault. Accept it and move on so you don’t destroy what’s left of your life.
I look back on my life of failures, of things I thought I’d love, and realize my fear got in my way.
I got thrown off a horse, slammed into the wall of an inside ring during a competition. I stopped riding. I crashed an airplane. I stopped flying.
Fear of repeating failures was dominating my life — yet, having failed, I’d be more experienced and less likely to fail.
How much time have you and I wasted because of our fear of hurt or failure?
It’s not permanent.
I wish I had learned this as a kid. And I remembered “try, try again” from my parents, but somewhere in the midst of life, I lost my courage. Thankfully, I regained it by admitting that I was the problem.
Next time, I’ll heal faster, and get up and take another hit, and another, and another.
Ridicule Can Be Good?
I was watching a documentary about David Icke, a controversial subject. He had reached a point in his career where he was ridiculed on national TV, leading to a decade of ridicule for him and his family. And though it was a miserable and difficult period of his life, he looked back and realized it was the most important thing that ever happened to him because he no longer had to be worried about being ridiculed. He had already experienced it. Now nothing could stop him.
What’s stopping you?
Pain makes your muscles stronger. Fire makes steel stronger. The most empowering thing you can do is admit your mistakes, your failures, and realize where you’re avoiding pain. Then, with that clarity, you no longer have to avoid the pain.
Eric Rhoads
PS: Your mindset controls the outcome of your life. If you fear the next punch, you’ll duck. But if you tell yourself, “Bring it on,” you’re conditioned and ready.
I caught myself being fearful of getting back out after COVID. But finally, I had to ask myself, do I want to live in fear?
If you want to get out … I have some things coming up that will be grand celebrations.
- In August, my global art conference called Pastel Live, where we’ve brought the world’s top pastel painters to teach you.
- In September my Fall Color Week artists’ retreat. A week of painting with friends, even if you’re new to painting outdoors.
- In October my Fine Art Trip to Germany and Austria, to tour the art world behind the scenes.
- In November, no in-person FACE convention this year, but we’re doing Realism Live online, which is all about realistic painting of portraits, figures, still life, landscape, and more.
- December, my annual Forecast conference at the Harvard Club in New York for my friends in the broadcast industry.
Plenty to keep you busy and get you out for the year.
As always, words of wisdom
Oh my, Eric, you are laying yourself bare – real and raw for us. WOW!! As always, you make me think. And the more you share with us of your personal traumas and triumphs, the more I feel that I can open up, as well! I keep saying that I am recovered from a devastating experience – caring for a failing parent for years……Mom was not only ADHD, but also some degree of Asperger’s. And as her last adult child left alive, others looked to me to explain her to them. Doctors, nurses, aids, med techs, everyone involved in her care……and I could not. Because Mom was an enigma. Even to me! Any kind of conversation with Mom was a rare occurrence and a fleeting one. Because, ordinarily, she just wasn’t able. Mostly there was just confusion. I carry some of her challenges, as well, but nowhere near as significantly. So, all of this set up traumatic dynamics, like daily, while I struggled to coordinate her care. There were insinuations that I was not caring for her well enough, that somehow I was to blame for her reclusiveness and her inability to answer questions straight on. They saw it as unwillingness due to an overbearing daughter of some kind. It was harsh and depleting. I went into a colossal art block (20 years in total) from just feeling flattened. It was 12 years ago that she passed and I thought that I was “over it”. And I tell myself that I am back as an artist. Only partially true. I am still shell-shocked to a degree. Not my fault to begin with, but my fault to stay that way!! I CAN recover completely, but I have to pull myself up higher, stop hiding and procrastinating, put in more work, especially in asking the Almighty One for help and guidance and healing.
But if you can, I can! Thank you, Dear Eric, you are such a friend to us all. God uses you to unlock doors for us. Thank you, God!!!
Your statement “How would my life have changed if I had not cowered in the corner, if I had jumped right back in?” makes me think of the idea of: When the student is READY, the teacher will appear!” Your moment of clarity was the tipping point. Before that, you were not ready. You could have just as easily said “What if you NEVER had that moment of clarity?” – Some people never do!
I always remember a T shirt I bought for our Outward Bound instructor daughter…A life lived in fear is a life not lived! Sort of goes along with what you are saying.
Also, I have watched your interview and painting demo with Peggy Immel several times, I am surprised you have not had her do a video as of yet.
Her color information is so valuable. Thanks for all you do for the art world!
Love your musings and encouragements!
Wow, spot on! Early on in my life I had a real life changing occurrence, a parent told me to forget it and put it behind me. Trouble is if you don’t face your demons so to speak, you can never put the problem behind you..it’s always hanging around.
Hi Eric.. Happy 4th of July weekend! I don’t always take the time to read your Sunday Coffee newsletters yet am always inspired and enjoying reading them.
I know my mom , Dawn Lundquist loves and admires you as well.
I often forward your newsletters to friends and they thank me for introducing you to them.
My heart always swells with joy and happiness when I read your posts.
You should publish a cumulation of all of your “Sunday Coffee” posts and it would be a “best read” . =)
Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to write snd share your thoughts with us.
Such an important message, Eric!
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts…
When we don’t confront our fears, we live with many regrets.
Great lesson to share this morning Eric. It really makes sense. Thanks for sharing your insightful words with us.
This is a great article, Eric! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sometimes it seems like everyone else has what it takes to achieve their dreams while we got passed by. But everyone is capable of self honesty no matter their age, education, or social standing. Being honest about yourself first and foremost is crucial to achieving whatever goals you have for yourself but it’s not discussed all that much except in the context of surrounding yourself with people who know more than you do. Your article reinforces the need to fully own your failures and mistakes. As with learning to paint, heeding what our mistakes can teach us is the key to becoming accomplished in whatever we set out to do.
Really. Why on earth would you promote David Icke?
Eric,
You’ve experienced what Walt Disney went through before his success. Because of the quality he maintained in his films, He never made money until Disneyland in 1955. Look where that company that stressed quality is now ! And look where you are now in your efforts to teach the world to paint! Congratulations!
1
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Your honesty keeps me reading
Eric,
You are a true gift.
Pouring your words and your life out for others.
Speaking to our deepest selves.
Encouraging us yet walking beside.
Champion of your brothers and sisters no matter where we may fall on the ladder of skill or prosperity.
Thankful for your work.
Breathe. Rest. Refresh.
Best,
Barb
Calling David Icke “controversial” is a bit like saying smallpox is unpleasant. I don’t think applauding the determination of someone spewing maniacal and anti-Semitic conspiracy theories is remotely defensible.
By all means, encouraging people to suck it up and rebound from adversity is a valid message. But perhaps you could find a better example.
Thanks, Eric, this is truly inspiring! I have lately been of this very mindset & your essay is very supportive to it.
Thanks again,
Jack Providenti
most people who never fullfill their dreams are risk averse. they have been taught failure is negative whereas indeed it is not. it is just stage toward success. an adjjustment of the pathway. By owning the failure you own the lessons learned. A small lesson early on saves usually a much larger lesson later when the stakes are higher.
failures are lessons nothing else.
Thank you for this. A lot of it is not tremendously relevant to me, I believe, but one thing resonated strongly: “Defeat is not permanent.”
In a much less significant way, people may miss out on living (and painting well) by not being fully awake. When Thoreau lived in a cabin a stone’s throw away from Walden Pond, the first thing he did in the morning was wade into the pond and splash around to become fully awake and greet the morning sun by saying such a thing as “There’s dawn in me!” Later in the morning, as locals from Concord visited Thoreau, he saw them sleepy and yawning, realized that many of his visitors had not left their mattresses, and wondered whether some would go through the day without ever becoming fully awake. To paint at your best, sleep well and brush the sand out of your eyes before you load that brush with pigment.
Yeah!
Way to go Cinderella Man! 🙂