After a cold week, the porch is drenched in warm sun, the plants on the property are glowing as the sun streams in to light their edges, and the mountain in the distance is still purple gray. Thank goodness for spring.
“Your Ideas Are BS, Eric”
Last week I received an e-mail from an artist who had read my new marketing book. In the book I talk a lot about the importance of managing your own mindset and its impact on your life, to which she suggested that “positive thinking is complete BS.” Her words were a little stronger than that.
My Tortured Friendship
In my response I told her what I’ve learned about this recently and the story of my dear friend Chris, whom I met when I was about 18. Chris ran a local radio station, and I was a young budding broadcaster. We became friends and remained friends as he moved up the ladder to different jobs across the country. We shared a love for radio broadcasting.
Yeah, But
Though Chris was a dear friend, the one thing I used to kid him about was how negative he was all the time. He too thought positive thinking was BS. “It’s easy for you,” he said. “You grew up in a good family, your dad owned a business, and you had a lot of advantages, which is why things are going so well for you.”
Tough Circumstances
Chris had grown up in a much more difficult climate. His mom had passed away and his dad, who had to work all the time, placed him in a boarding school and was unable to spend much time with him. He felt abandoned. He stayed in boarding school from a young age through high school, then college, and then he was on his own. “Is it any wonder I’m a negative thinker?” He would say to me. “I did not get the breaks you had.”
Of course, you and I both know that boarding school and college would be considered a big advantage by many people.
Advantages Don’t Matter
I spent most of our friendship trying to get him to look at the brighter side of life and never got him to agree. I pointed out that I knew people who grew up with great advantages, wealthy families, great educations, parents who offered to help them start businesses, and still those advantages did not help them. I also pointed out people I knew who came from really difficult situations, growing up in horrible families, horrible neighborhoods, struggling and starving, who pulled themselves up and made successes of their lives. It was thinking that made the difference, but he refused to agree.
Impact on Your Health
One day I told Chris his attitude was going to shorten his life. I then cited evidence. More BS, according to him. Years later at lunch he revealed that doctors thought he had brain cancer, and he decided he was going to give up smoking. He was really scared. Yet the next day, after he’d been given an all-clear, he started smoking again, and two years later he died of lung and brain cancer at a young age.
I bought Chris the book Think and Grow Rich, which changed my life. He never read it. Though it was written back in 1937, it turned out to be right. Today we have significant evidence that the brain reacts to the ways we interpret things.
Two things have been PROVEN scientifically:
- If you visualize something happening to you, in detail, and you take action toward those dreams, there is a high likelihood you can achieve things that are seemingly impossible. It can work in reverse if you think of the worst that can happen to you.
- If you treat others who don’t believe in themselves as though you believe in them, and tell them about how much you believe in them, and how much you know they will succeed, evidence suggests it can begin to remake their brain chemistry and positively change their lives until they get to the point they can manage their own mindset. Belief is a powerful thing.
The key in both cases is that positives need to outweigh negatives 10 to one.
I’ve been teaching these things for a while and find them fascinating, so much so that I’m actually taking a course to become a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) coach. No, I don’t plan to quit my job and become a coach, I just want to understand it in depth, because my personal experiences with NLP have been game-changing and I want to take it to the highest level of performance.
In NLP, the foundation of everything in life is CAUSE and EFFECT.
In Chris’ case, “My dad put me in a boarding school and abandoned me” is cause. “I’m at a disadvantage because I did not get my dad’s love, and therefore my life sucks” is effect.
Chris was playing the victim.
I don’t doubt that he was hurting, or that he did not understand why his dad put him into boarding school. But instead of accepting it for what it was and managing his life in spite of it, his hurt became his excuse for problems and negativity his whole life. It’s OK to lick your wounds for a short time, but at some point you have to move on or you’ll get stuck.
Cause and Effect: One thing causes another thing to happen.
“I’m late because of you.” You caused me to be late.
You made me late. It’s an “if/then” mentality. If you did this to me, then this is the result.
Sadly, most of us spend our time in effect mode. Effect is always someone else’s fault. Frankly, it’s easier to blame others than to blame ourselves or accept personal responsibility. Plus, making it someone else’s problem gives us a subconscious excuse to fail.
- “I didn’t get that job because you made me angry when you told me I needed to wear a tie, so I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.”
- “I can’t concentrate on my homework because dad has been mowing the lawn and making too much noise.”
- “You broke a promise years ago, therefore it’s OK for me to treat you badly.”
- “My boss is a jerk because he embarrassed me in front of others. Therefore it’s OK to steal from the company.”
- “All rich people are evil, so it’s OK for me to steal from them.”
- “I don’t like your politics, so it’s OK for me to slam you on social media.”
Are you stuck in the effect side of life?
So what’s the alternative? After all, bad things are going to happen.
To be better at cause, the key is never to blame others or blame circumstances. Accept what is and move on. “In spite of the car breaking down, I made sure I got all my meetings done anyway.”
Brush It Off
Learning to brush off cause so you’re not living with effect will change your life. Why waste energy on effect?
“I am so proud of myself. I had a challenging day. I had to concentrate really hard since they were working with a jackhammer outside my window. But once I had decided that I was going to concentrate on the job, the noise didn’t bother me.”
Looking back in the future, do you want to say, “If it wasn’t for this or it wasn’t for that, I could have made a lot more out of my life”?
When you are on your deathbed, do you want to be looking back and blaming other people or your circumstances for not having realised your potential?
The Difference Between “A” Players and Others
I spend time with a lot of highly successful people and all of them spend their time in cause and not in effect. In fact, I’ve found that A players are cause people, and B and C players are effect people.
Who are you blaming?
Why blame anyone or anything? Why not just accept circumstances and live the best life you can live without excuses?
You cannot ever expect anyone to pull you up out of your circumstances to make things better. Only you can be responsible for making that happen.
Which side will you spend your time on? Cause or effect? Cause is bright and sunny. Effect may be comfortable, but it’s dingy and dark.
You decide.
Either “I am in charge” or “Things happen to me and I am the victim.”
Where will you live the rest of your life?
Eric Rhoads
PS: Yesterday I had the pleasure of being the judge of the Paint the Town plein air festival in Marble Falls, Texas, and I met some amazing people and even had a chance to do a marketing talk earlier in the day. Today I drive back to judge the quick draw. I love my job. Then in just a couple of weeks, I’ll be heading out to the Plein Air Convention to spend time with my tribe. You should check it out. It’s a lot of fun. Did I mention I love my job?
A terrific article and wise advice, as always, Eric.
I do live in the Effect…good effects! Have you read any Ernest Holmes? My mother is a retired minister of once-called Religious Science church (NOT Christian Science), based on Holmes’ book. (The International church since merged with another and may now be call Center for Spiritual Living?) Anyway, we Treat (pray) daily. Treatment is centering yourself, speaking out loud for the Universal Power/Force and your own subconscious to hear. (Whatever you tell your subconscious, it only knows to say “YES” and put that thought into effect. {What goes around, comes around…What you put out is what you get back.})
I treat daily for perfect health for myself and loved ones, ever-growing happiness, and abundance (supply for my need). Never be too specific, the universe will show or give you what you need when you need it.
I was not going to PACE SF for many reasons. But last week a ticket was offered at a discount, free ride and room – This was what I needed and I am now going to SF! Always accept good, and always appreciate it.
BTW, Mum is turning 83, she has a small book out about gathering thoughts to give a talk, but I use it to write lessons and painting descriptions…it is called Just the Bones: The simple, fast, no nonsense way to build and deliver GREAT talks time after time!
And bless her, she is now writing HER OWN positive thought book.
I am so looking forward to SF, and I appreciate the opportunity! See you there!
Mindful meditation really does work. the neuroplasticity of the brain is real. One can change one’s way of thinking. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Eric,
I know where you come from and all of the ups and downs it took for you to get where you are today. I must say, it makes me so proud of you. This particular article is especially good and very timely as I have a colleague that I plan to forward it to as he needs to read it and take in the message. Feeling sorry for oneself and being a victim is so easy in the current atmosphere we live today. And for those individuals leaning toward the “effect” side, it can be the hardest thing they do to not fall completely over. We need more positive and uplifting articles like this one. It is a daily and ongoing fight to stay on the “cause” side.
Thank you Eric,
Carol McLain Smith
Hi Eric,
I agree with you 100%. I believe that if you have a purpose you have a right AND a responsibility to see it thru
regardless of the stumbles along the way, especially if it regards the creative spirit and someone disagrees
with your idea. Every idea should be tried out. The road is the important thing, not the stumbles in the road;
the achievement of the idea, positive OR negative is the significance of learning and being.
Keep sharing your ideas!
Anne Spencer
Although I read your post every week, This one hit home. You are what you choose to do with what you’ve been given. I choose happiness and I’ve found it.
Hi Eric,
As a psychiatrist, I feel I need to respond. While I agree with you, many people feel trapped by their negative thoughts which intrude upon their thinking. They simply can’t change without professional help. The traditional help has been Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which is the most researched and validated form of therapy available. Another form of psychotherapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), is perhaps better than CBT for managing negative thoughts. I personally believe that ACT could help everyone with negative thoughts.
While I whole heartedly support your wanting to help artists get negative thoughts out of their mind, simply telling them to without the ‘how’ could be quite frustrating. Russ Harris has written an excellent book on the how of ACT and managing negative thoughts, “The confidence Gap”. I think this book could be for every artist. Russ Harris is the only author I’ve ever come across who tells you HOW to effectively manage negative thoughts and significantly cheaper than 3-4 months of CBT with a therapist.
I enjoy your blog and looking forward to seeing you at PACE.
Excellent comments….and at my age I second the motion, for always saying positive things, even when they look terrible….say positive things and they always end well….my experience. Thank you, enjoy always what you have to say….about life and its curve balls.
I think it is good to look for the good things in life and other people. I am so grateful to have good family and friends; multiple opportunities to work, learn, and grow; be able to eat everyday, have running water, indoor toilet, a house with heat in winter; and not live in a war zone. Sure life isn’t perfect but even lousy things can be a learning experience.
Thank you Eric for your positive view of life and your job! I’ve found a lot of encouragement from positive comments, faithful support and compliments that are genuine. I’ve also discovered comfort in difficult times both in my upbringing and my failed marriage knowing that there is a bigger picture in life than just the present circumstances. I read an article from a man named Paul David Tripp who said that I am being “artfully hammered” into a design that will be beautiful in God’s eyes. My mind immediately went to a local artist who works in metal and literally taps it, hammers it to form it into a beautiful bird or animal of his design. I am convinced that there is a bigger picture that is ultimately for my decided benefit, that is designed by God. That is the “cause” that gets me all excited and gives me purpose. I am enjoying your articles and find them really insightful, thank you again.
Good advice Eric and you’re right about the effects of positive thinking. I think I was mostly positive in my youth , but it was re-enforced on my mission where I heard constantly from our mission president how important it was to stay positive and set goals. That advice stayed with me through my first career out of college where I became the company’s #1 salesman in the first year. My second sales job was similar and again I became #1 for two straight years and remained in the top 10 for most of that career. That attitude has also served me and my family well in my art career and my son’s career as well. Keep on teaching the importance of what we called PMA (positive mental attitude) in the mission field, and thanks for your always insightful commentary.
It’s evident you DO love your job! Not always easy, trying to please people, staying on the edge,. BUT BECAUSE YOU LOVE WHAT YOU DO, THESE OBSTACLES DON’T SIDE TRACT YOU THEY MAKE YOU STRONGER! I, too, have some friends and family who are negative..I have found that when I feel their negativity, I become stronger if I tell myself, STOP, where am i going? Listen to them? Or listen to my heart?
Thanks Eric, you are always inspiring. Keep up the good work!
This is so true, Eric. Having only positives in your life and creating only positives in other’s makes a world of difference.
Thank you for another of your insightful articles. I really appreciate Sunday Coffee, but this one was one of your best.
Yes, so true. Wish everyone could think this way and be so much happier.
How very true. When I was around 10 years old I checked out a book at the library that just happened to be left on the counter. It was called “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale. I really only checked it out because it was large print which intrigued me and my ride said we had to go. I read it cover to cover in one day. It had a profound effect on my life. I have been very fortunate to have many blessings in my life and I have achieved most every goal I ever set for myself, many times against the odds and many times with or without the encouragement of my family. It’s not to say I didn’t have failures but I learned that I had the power within me about how to think about those things. Later in my life I had the opportunity to hire, train and manage large groups of people. When I interviewed them I would always ask them 2 questions. Of the successes in your life, what do you attribute to your success?your thoughts, habits, or circumstances, same question and more importantly what about your failures? Thoughts, habits, or circumstances. Needless to say, I was very successful at predicting the outcome of their endeavors. I have learned without doubt what you think is who you are and the level you will achieve towards the ultimate goal of personal happiness.
GREAT post! I decided long ago to embrace positivity, and realized I have so much to be thankful for. I’ve kind of grown to think that everyone feels that way, until I’m smacked in the face with someone who doesn’t. I just try to be a light to them… as we’re called to do. Thanks for sharing this!!
Fabulous article, Eric!!! …. I always love and look forward to reading your beautifully poetic “Sunday Morning Coffee” narratives. You invite me to sit in that special “adirondack chair” right beside you as you express your reflections.
One of my most favorite motivational speakers is Joyce Meyer. I remember her speaking about this very same thing and the quote that is most prominent in my mind about this very subject is:
“You can be pitiful or you can be powerful, but you can’t be both”. … She would follow up with “so which is it going to be?”
Please do continue to write for us. …. I am watching your “Adirondack Plein Air Invitational” and am really considering joining on this experience. I am trying to work out some of the details.
Thanks again so very much. … Hope you are having a great day
Sincerely,
Morgan
Thanks for the reminder, Eric. Since so many of us work solo, it’s super easy to get stuck in our heads. For me, thinking is very overrated. It’s better to just “do” and for me the best “doing” is painting. All good things have always flowed from there. I’ll miss being at the convention this year. See you next time!
Thank you Eric for always writing an uplifting message. You have inspired so many.😊
This article is one of your best, even though I think that about most of your Sunday articles 😊. What is the title of the marketing book you mentioned? I would like to buy it.
-Ujjaini Grigg
Kingwood, TX
Thank you for this post! It’s just what I needed to hear. My paintings were just starting to be recognized in our local area. I had entered a few shows, and even won my first award. Then, my body became so fatigued I could no longer paint, or do most anything else. I now realize I was trying to achieve too much at one time. A full time job, painting, supporting my husband as he went thru college, and the list goes on and on. It took a year to find a Doctor who understood adrenal fatigue and could set me on the right path to healing. I haven’t painted since 2014, but have been getting stronger and stronger. However, a wonderful thing happened. Being trapped in a body that couldn’t do anything more than set on the couch, allowed me to see who I was and where I was going. I had a chance to re-evaluate everything in my life. What a blessing that has been!! I’ve also had time to look at my old paintings and visualize what I’d do different. I’ve looked at the paintings of others, and admired certain aspects. So, when I start painting again (which will be sooner than later) I’ll be ready with a whole new skill set. I believe that I’ll create even better art, than I would have if I’d stayed on the path I was following. I see that whole journey of the last 5 years as a blessing. It got me off the merry-go-round of business to realize what’s really important. You are right. Sometimes, bad things can be a true blessing in disguise. You just have to look for the good in everything.
Always helpful, Eric!
I love waking up in the morning and reading something that rocks me to the core, in a very positive way. Only then to realize, I have been practicing this most of my life. I asked myself, “why does what Eric wrote, resonate so strongly with me?” It’s because, when I think back to most of my big obstacles in life and how I overcame them, the one thing they all had in common (and still do) was, I could see the finish line, I could visualize me accomplishing the goal. I read once, a long time ago, that visualizing what you want in life is half the battle and t if you can see it, you can achieve it. This works for me in most areas of my life. It’s no different with my artwork. When I can see the finished painting or the finished Carved and Painter Gourd, I can achieve the results I want so much easier; consequently, they end up being some of my best works! Thank you, Eric, for this confirmation of why we need to ask ourselves, “which side am I on?”, Cause or effect? Have a great Sunday!
Great advice Eric. It’s easy to see that you live by it.
I loved your article, Eric. Thank you! Concentrating on cause allows us to open to countless options and exercise our powers of creativity. How fun! How very positive!!!
Thank you Eric for this article. It’s well written, wise, down-to-earth, true, positive and generous. I will forward it to some of my brothers and sisters who chose to play “victims” more than being “positive players” along the road. What and where is that NLP course that you are taking please? I am interested. Thank you again very much Eric. It’s been always a pleasure to read your blog each weekend.
Eric,
I could not agree more! I have found my greatest strengths were born of what others might consider abusive experiences. Taking responsibility not only gave me control it propels me forward. I would not wish my childhood on anyone but it made me who I am and for that I am forever grateful.
One day your friend will be ressy to hear you but until then the rest of us are listening.
Thank you,
Deb
Thanks for your work as a judge and your support. I enjoyed seeing you and had a great time during our paint out. I learned a lot.
While working in my LCSW profession as a psychotherapist, I had some training in NLP. I had been working this way, more or less intuitively, but the training focused my skills. It is a remarkably effective way of interacting with a person, and oneself, in achieving one’s personal goals. I’m now retired, but this way of thinking, positively, and with gratitude, is part of my life. Carry on, Eric.
Excellent blog explaining the difference of positive and negative thinking. I have tried to use positive thinking all my life. I have found that many negative-thinking assume that people are :”lucky” who have good things happen to them. Those negative thinkers do not understand all of the hard work, dedication and sacrifice that goes into that “luck”. Thank you for your detailed analysis, Eric.
Hi, Eric
Would you share the name of the NLP course you are taking? I am very interested in learning more. Thanks ever so much!