The smell of fresh-baked gingerbread cookies fills the air and the colors of Christmas are reflecting off the wall as the lights blink on the tree, as though to the beat of the Christmas carols playing quietly in the background. Seeing the tree, breathing its scent, and hearing the music fills my heart, probably because of so many wonderful Christmas memories.
Already, some wrapped boxes have appeared under the tree; no longer do the boxes have to suddenly appear in the morning after Santa leaves packages while we sleep. No more long nights of assembling bicycles, no more wrapping marathons. Now that the kids are college age, we can take our time and do things at our own speed rather than assisting the man in the red suit. Yet we still put out cookies and milk for Santa, and the nativity set remains lit all night, highlighting the Christmas star.
An Unexpected Tragedy
Yet there is a dark cloud looming in my heart, since I heard that a good painter friend took his own life last week. I’m not sure exactly how to process it because this was a man as jolly and spirit-filled as Santa, always fun to be around, always thoughtful, and ever encouraging. He was as brilliant an artist as any. Apparently he had been suffering from severe depression.
Part of what bothers me is that I missed it.
I had not been in touch for a while. We last spoke during a telethon where I co-hosted and he was a guest. Speaking beforehand, he seemed as normal and happy and engaging as ever. There were no outward clues.
Looking Back
I’m kicking myself for several reasons … the first being that I never had a chance to say goodbye and let him know how much he had impacted my life and career, and how much I cared for him. Of course I could not have known, so I kick myself for not having taken the time to touch base recently. I suppose maybe there is something I could have said or done that might have made a difference.
I’m sure others who were even closer are asking themselves the same thing. Yet we cannot beat ourselves up.
A Dark Place
The reality is that depression is a very dark place, which most of us, myself included, do not fully understand. Anyone can be affected by depression, and it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a medical condition to be overcome.
So what are we to do?
I think it starts by being an active listener, and not ignoring things people say that might be clues that they are reaching out for help but don’t know how to ask. We should not judge or overreact, but simply listen. Sometimes people just need to be heard. Be empathetic. And, of course, encourage anyone who seems to be troubled to seek professional help.
My heart goes out to my friend’s wife, family, and close friends. He had more friends than most of us will ever have, and I guarantee there will be lines out the door at his memorial service.
The Emotional Trigger
As you and I enter the holiday period, it never hurts to remember that the holiday is an emotional trigger for many of the people we know and love. I can remember being alone one Christmas and wishing someone would invite me to something. I did not feel comfortable asking because, well, Christmas is family time.
Who can you include in your celebrations this Christmas?
How can you help others this Christmas?
Who needs to hear from you?
This event is also a stark reminder to me that I need to reach out and talk to my friends more often. The downtime at Christmas is a good time to start touching base. And it never hurts to ask, “How are you doing, really? Is there any way I can help you?”
When I was a kid, my dad invited Raymond McPeak to every Christmas dinner. I never knew any different; he was always there, Christmas and Thanksgiving, until the day he died. My dad met him in the Merchant Marine when serving in the Philippines, and though Raymond was 20 years older, they became great friends, probably because they were from the same town. He lived alone and came home from his job at the Post Office to an empty house every day of his life. He was never married, and was never in a relationship. He was simply a loner. And my guess is that he looked forward to every major holiday. My grandmother did the same thing; her widowed friends were always at her house every Christmas.
Our job is to take care of each other, to care for those who don’t have what we have.
Now you have your marching orders for this Christmas. Give someone something to look forward to. And listen to them, carefully.
Eric Rhoads
Another great gift is the gift of art … giving someone lessons on how to become an artist. We have some wonderful holiday specials at www.painttube.tv.
Very kind of you to discuss this sad and difficult issue. My daughter’s roommate and good friend recently succumbed to depression and mis-diagnosed medication. So sadly, sometimes there is nothing that loved ones can do to reach the victim of this disease. Placing the issue in the open, as you are doing is a compassionate step forward. It needs to be in the open and freely discussed, so that it need not be ‘hidden’ before anyone can detect and address it. Thank you!
Don’t beat yourself up for not calling him recently. You have hundreds of good friends, you cannot call them all consistently. Know that you care, you would have if you had known. You were and are a good friend. To him, to many. He knew that.
Remember him happy, enjoy the people you have.
Yes we have invited loners for holidays. Sometimes it’s not possible. We mean well and do our best.
Take care.
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s hard enought to loose a friend to death but hardest to deal with a friend taking their own life. I agree with you comments about depression. I worked with people with emotional challenges for almost 20 years and many hide them if they can.
I will pray for your friend’s family and y I u and his other friends. May this holiday season bless you with the support you need!
Eric,
You hit it on the head with this one…I lost a dear friend the same way and I mirror your reaction. We live in turbulent times and we have to look after each other. We also need to give thanks for our health and happiness.
All the Best
PS I really enjoy your commentaries!
Dear Eric,
I always find your Sunday morning coffee articles stirring. Thank you for taking the time and energy to write and share such personal experiences with us.
Karen Barnes
Corpus Christi, TX
That is such a difficult struggle. I’ll be praying for you and his family.
You just made me cry. Everything you said is true. My husband died 50 years ago when I was 21 and every Christmas is still hard. Thanks for your thoughtful comments.
Thanks for these kind and thoughtful words about our mutual friend. (Yesterday I found 2 paintings that Randy helped me with back in the day.) And thanks for the reminder to be aware and to reach out to folks. Since we can’t know all that’s going on w/ our friends, it helps to cast a wide caring “net”…….Thanks again for taking the time to do this.
Have a Happy Christmas, Eric
and may the New year Bring you Much joy and fulfilment’
Jean Vandermolen
This Sundays Coffee reached deep within me. Firstly bc Eric you are beautifully sensitive to all of life and to others. I think try as we might there will always be something we wish we were aware of or something we could have done or said which might have helped or do help in our here and now. All I feel I can do is pray and ask our loving Lord to have His Spirit awaken us when needed and to give us discernment to what we may not be aware of.
Many thanks and blessings to you and your loved ones. I am deeply grateful for you and everything you give to us, and at the toll it takes on you but knowing you wouldn’t want it any other way. You truly are blessed ♥️
Hi, don’t kick yourself too hard. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t change it. Thank you for being aware and making us aware to get help. God bless. Carolyn
Very true, and we are all guilty in some or other way.
This has been on my Sunday agenda for several years but just saw my first copy of PleinAir Magazine. WOW! It is beautiful. Will subscribe today even though I do not paint PleinAir but in the studio.
Dear Eric, thank you for all you do for the artists of today! I was a current student of Randy’s in his mentorship program and honestly wondered what was going on with him. He was not offering critiques of our paintings, as I would wait weeks to hear from him. I personally think he overextended himself – but, perhaps that was his way to avoid the inevitable. I have been depressed and sad since hearing the news of his death. Just yesterday I wanted someone to talk to, but felt it was not right to burden someone else with my woes. My mother told me often I was self-centered. Do something for someone and stop thinking of yourself, she would say. Well, I’m almost 75 and still feel sad at times and have lost the feeling of joy in my life, at the moment. It’s hard to to think of others when you feel bad about yourself. I’m mad at Randy, but overwhelmingly sad, too! Thank you for listening.
Thank you for always sending your message to my in box. I too knew and work with a woman who planned and followed though on a very specific suicide. I vividly remember my last conversation with her and that has not left my mind after 35 years! Stay well and enjoy family
Eric, thank you for approaching such a difficult topic with grace and sensitivity. I suffered a trauma on Christmas morning last year, and this holiday season has been a rough ride. Your friend was indeed in a very dark place, one that I have visited, and I can only encourage you to know that your friendship was treasured by your colleague. I always look forward to your Sunday message. Without a doubt, you make a difference.
In this season of joy, the loss of a dear friend or loved one seems especially painful. A childhood friend – I knew both sets of her grandparents! – died suddenly and a 93 year old proponent of the arts has taken a sudden turn for the worst. Both leave a void. A local noted musician and promoter of the arts took his life some years back. It was such a terrible loss and I, trained in mental health, did not see it coming. He was so gifted, funny and loved by many. Depression can be acute this time of year. So much so that several churches in this area have had “Blue Christmas” programs and they are not about Elvis, (Long Live the King). May all your readers experience the joy of the season and go on to express their joy through participating in the arts. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Thank you for this important reminder to us all. My father passed away this summer, and this Christmas we will have two bachelor friends at our table and we are looking forward to it.
I am grieving even though I never had the opportunity to work with or even meet Randy. It was on my artist’s bucket list. I’m praying for his family and all of you who knew him as a friend.
Sorry for your loss, thank you for the call to action. I want suffered a five-year depression, and I would say to my friend that my brain wasn’t working right. I got through it with the help of a different friend who made it commitment to calling me every morning at 9 AM for one year. And that friend did that and if I was depressed at nine, he would also call me at 12,3,6, 9. What a friend commitment and what a difference it made that there was somebody pulling me on every day.
Last night I stretched as I wrote Christmas cards and thought carefully about who else to include.
Merry Christmas
As someone who has suffered from depression for decades, I can tell you that it is the weirdest experience to go through. Non-depressive folks don’t realize that when one is depressed you are not only in mental discomfort you also experience physical pain. There is no logic to the change in your chemistry that results in what appear to be illogical reasons for feeling the way you do. Medication and treatment are a really risky period because when you get the point where others notice you are depressed and need treatment, you are pretty non-functional. Then, as the treatment begins to work you are still depressed but more functional and this is the danger period because you are now physically and mentally ABLE to take action to end your suffering. And people who have depression are suffering. There is no joy. You can fake it for a long time and plod along and take care of your kids, go to work, and appear to be normal. But the simple feeling of peace and finding a feeling of satisfaction from doing that is gone and soon you just believe it is never coming back. It really is awful. And it makes no sense. And you intellectually know it makes no sense – and that, of course, makes it worse. Over the years and with counseling help, I’ve learned to recognize the early signs and have learned to advocate for myself with my doctors to get medication that helps bring my chemistry back into balance. And my husband has learned to help me do that if my doctor isn’t listening. I am sorry when I hear of folks who have suffered from this disabling problem who have not found a solution that works for them. But I also hope and pray his family understands this is not their fault and in the end it really isn’t any different from a person with terminal cancer in horrible pain who is allowed to slip away peacefully under a very large dose of painkillers. He is no longer suffering and I’m absolutely sure that he believed that by leaving this world he also removed the pain he caused them (even though it really makes no sense to the rest of us). We really do need to do more to find better treatments for depression.
Have been there, too, Cate, and you did a great job of explaining how it really works for someone in depression. How do you talk with someone about it, when you are in an unfathomable place inside, but doing your best at keeping up appearances? (I did not want to alarm my loved ones and when I was in a depressed state of mind, it seemed the only thing to do). Where do you even begin to talk when all inside is confusion and you don’t even understand it yourself? It’s like trying to pick up a mountain surrounded with fog, and with many criss-crossing trails, and hand it to someone else to hold and decipher for you. For some, it would take far too much energy to do that….energy that is needed for simply surviving each day in this ever more complicated world. Depression distorts one’s thinking! Long counselling sessions with a therapist helped me, as did medicine. But never entirely. I found that for myself, I had to rely greatly, then and now, on prayer and a spiritual connection with the Divine….more than anything else. I pray for others to find their door that opens to the sunshine once again, too. I am so glad that you have a regimen that keeps your depression under control, Cate, and I know of others that have found workable methods and answers, as well. Others succumb to this illness like someone who has a sudden stroke or heart attack. Everyone else can keep trying to reach someone in distress, and be aware, looking for hints and clues. But don’t hold yourself responsible in ANY way. Recovery of someone in depression does not hinge on you, family or friend, please understand.
wise advice as always and listening to others is really so important. a person who truly listens is not just waiting for their turn to speak. they are truly interested in what the other person has to say. It is life enriching. You can always learn from the conversation, and you are giving the person happiness by simply listening and hearing.
Happy Holidays to you
Eric, I am sorry for your loss and I am happy to hear your call to action. I lost my 25 year old daughter to suicide in 2022. I was in my home in Spain when I got the call at 3am. I still can’t fathom or comprehend what has happened as there was no signs that she would be thinking of this and you can’t imagine the guilt I hold. The listening part is where we all have to be able slow down our rush world we live in and be able to detect the cries for help as you said. One ear to listen, just listen and be there can change a person’s life and fill them with love to know that someone cared to listen.