Fighting Your Internal Drama

The old Adirondack kitchen smells like woodsmoke and wet cedar — a wood stove that has held its ground since 1855, long before any of us arrived. The screen door slams behind me, the rain has been falling on and off for days, and I’ve walked barefoot through the soggy yard just to put on the kettle. I await its high-pitched whistle. Yes, the microwave would be more efficient, but I try to make life here more like it was a hundred years ago.

The lake outside my window is swollen and full … so brimming there’s no room for any more water without spilling over the dock. 

There is something grounding about this place, this old building that has housed generations of summers, quiet mornings, and people working things out. It steadies me. 

Storms in the Sunshine

One thing about life … it can be sunny and still raining. Some days are simply emotionally soggy without a drop of rain. The weight comes not from full clouds, but something or someone in your life who has disappointed you, let you down, or broken your trust.

When you work with as many people as I do, you have to learn to let those things roll off your back. Sometimes people say things that could be hurtful. But my dad always used to say, “Let it go in one ear and out the other.” His advice is wise, because if you allow the darts to penetrate you, you’ll get wounded. If you deflect them, it stings a little, but you’re not brought down.

No Drama

My rule in life and at my events is “no drama.” Drama is disruptive, can easily get everyone off track and in a tizzy, and is never necessary. Some people conduct most of their lives drama-free, others thrive on it as if they look for drama to wound them so they can play the victim.

I’ve owned my company for over four decades, and I’ve seen everything. One thing that comes from experience is wisdom, and you get to the point where you can accurately predict what’s next by the behavior of others. When I started my business, those things would put me into a funk for a few days or weeks, but after about 10 years of bad things happening, I stopped letting my emotions cloud my life. Now, when bad things happen — and they do all the time — personally and professionally, I’m able to compartmentalize them.

Staying Unclouded

Dealing with things like recessions and needing to lay off friends, or health issues like my son’s heart attack a few years ago, when he was near death, unable to be revived for what seemed like an eternity, I was upset, bothered, but I did not let it cloud my ability to process the difficult decisions we had to make. Watching an employee and friend slip into a coma, become brain dead, and die after a week was horrific, yet pushing the need to emote and react aside helped me process a horrible moment. That does not mean I don’t hurt, I do. But I continue to function while hurting.

I’m not sure what a therapist would tell me. They would probably say I’m squashing my feelings, but I’m OK with that if it provides me the ability to function instead of being devastated. 

Signals of Sunshine

I had a moment of clarity a few years ago, which is that no one ever told me life would have such tough moments and that when they came, I could choose to let them stop me or slow me down, or I could choose to power through. And I’ve realized that the toughest moments, the hardest things, the storms of life, tend to be a signal that things are about to clear, and that the best, sunny days are ahead.

Business guru Peter Drucker always said that storms come with change, but change is necessary, so you have to be willing to ride out the storms. It’s true in life, in business, and in anything good. 

You can spend your time causing drama, or you can batten down the hatches, do things you need to do, and survive. I choose survival every time. 

What about you? What are you facing that is hard, that is bringing you down? Is there a way to pull yourself out of it? Or will you absorb it and let it destroy you?

Fired From My Own Company

Back in the late ’90s, I had my dream job as the founder and CEO of an internet radio company, the first of its kind to put music on the internet. I raised a ton of money, hired the best people in the business, and proceeded to invent an entirely new industry. But when the towers got hit on September 11, things got hard, money dried up, and I was fired by my own board. I was deeply wounded, bitter, and angry. I carried it for a long time. 

By carrying it, I didn’t hurt the people who fired me, I hurt myself because I was taking fewer chances, fewer risks, and I lost a lot of valuable time. It was an important lesson, especially because I eventually realized they did me a big favor: I was not the CEO who had to go through the painful process of bankruptcy, and I landed on something that made me happier and more fulfilled. But at the time, it was like a knife in my gut.

What do you need to let go of? In what ways are you not moving on?
What are you holding on to with negative energy or excessive drama that is hurting no one but yourself?

Getting Even

I once had a friend who felt he got screwed over, so he went on a mission to destroy the people who screwed him, badmouthing them to everyone who would listen. But in the process he destroyed himself, because he became bitter and came across that way. He did not move on for several years, until finally he realized he hadn’t gotten screwed over at all — in fact, they did him a favor.

Old, Deep Wounds

The goal is to land well, and not fill your heart with anger. Forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving, it’s for your own heart, your own peace. A couple of decades ago I was at a Promise Keepers event, listening to speaker Greg Laurie, who asked, “Who do you need to forgive that you’ve been holding on to for years?” In that moment I realized I was still angry at a kid who bullied me in 7th grade. I prayed to let that anger go. I wonder now, how many things did I avoid because I was still angry and afraid of getting bullied?

Let go of what’s holding you back. Here’s what the Bible says about forgiveness: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). And here are a couple of other quotes on forgiveness I like:

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.” — Martin Luther King, Jr. 

“He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.” — George Herbert 

Life is short, and being stuck in the mud does you no good. Identify where you’re stuck, what you’re being dramatic about, and move on. Sometimes you don’t want to let go because you’d rather be angry. I get it. Let go anyway.

Eric Rhoads