If my memory serves me, Florida is supposed to be warm, sunny, and a good place to escape to during winter weather. It’s not any of those things at the moment. But I suppose it’s all relative, because, in spite of low temperatures by Florida standards, it’s a vast improvement over most of the country, which is suffering with record lows and giant storms. 

The flags on my dock are blowing at full speed, driven by intense high winds. The sunrise was hard to notice because the sky is dim and overcast, and the air has a chill. Yet I love the smell of salt air and the sound of pelicans, ospreys, and cranes flying over the choppy, splashing water. Chilly or not, I’ve got nothing to complain about.

Vacation Is Over

Today is a bit of a somber day, but also one to celebrate. Is it possible for two conflicting emotions to be trapped in my brain at the same time? My kids leave us today to return to college, which is sad. It’s been fun having them around. But it means our empty-nester routine can go back to normal, and we won’t have to deal with dishes left in the sink and stocking the fridge with mounds of food for starving college-age appetites. Still, it’s all met with mixed emotions.

Tear-Filled Goodbyes

It’s a joke in our family: Daddy’s going to cry again. I tear up a little when the kids or other family members leave. I always have. But somehow it helps to reframe the situation to consider all the benefits of having them leave. 🙂

Hanging a New Frame on the Wall

Reframing is a concept I wish someone had taught me years sooner. Being able to manipulate my own thinking has been helpful, because doing it lets me gain a new perspective.

For example, I could never seem to grow my company beyond a certain level. I always looked at my business as a publishing company, and as long as I thought of it as publishing, I seemed to fall into the trap of only selling ads and subscriptions. My first reframing was to tell myself I was also in the events business. By doing that, I started to consider things I’d not previously considered, like creating conferences. The result was a massive increase in my business. 

Later I added “travel” to my reframe, and I broadened my business into travel services like painters’ events. And when I hit a wall, I reframed my business as a direct response marketing company, which impacted how we sold products. This was revolutionary. So whenever I find myself stuck, I search for a reframe.

A Classic Reframe

It’s so easy to fall into traps. Edison famously said that he hadn’t failed 10,000 times, he’d just found 10,000 approaches that wouldn’t work. This reframe allowed him to persevere until he found answers, long after most of us would have given up.

Reframe Away Stress

In 2002, my company, RadioCentral (one of the first Internet radio services), blew up, and my own board of directors fired me from the company I founded. Though I could have told myself I was doomed, I reframed it as a new opportunity to do work differently. My last day of work was the day my triplets came home from the hospital, so I reframed that I could now work from home and be a dad, being there for my wife and kids. It melted the stress away and made a huge difference.

Reframing Addictions

Writer and cartoonist Scott Adams talks about reframing drinking by simply asking himself, “Why would I put poison in my system?” Every time he was tempted to take a drink, he would tell himself he was about to pour poison down his throat. 

The Classic Reframe

I’ve heard it a million times. “No one ever says on their deathbed, ‘I should have worked more.’” This reframe works great when you’re a workaholic, like I used to be, or when you’re guilt-tripping about whether you really need to work on a weekend.

Of course, the deathbed can be used to reframe other things, like stress. “Is this going to matter when I’m on my deathbed?” No, of course it won’t. Whatever it is won’t even be a speck on the radar. Stop worrying.

Sleepless Nights

A couple of weeks ago, I was having some issues in my business, and I found myself lying in bed with my head spinning about the problems. Then I remembered something my dad said he used to do. He reframed by saying, “Stress only keeps me from thinking clearly and leads me to worse decisions.” So he gave up worry and stress. 

If Dad was having a sleepless night, he would get out of bed, write down everything he was worried about on a tablet, then go through the list one at a time: “Can I do anything to solve this problem tonight?” If he could, he did. But most things had to wait, which allowed him to reframe: Worry only disrupts sleep, which impacts your ability to deal with things properly in the morning.

Though these little tricks seem overly simplified, they are very effective at tricking your brain to overcome the things that are bothering you. 

What areas do you need to reframe? Will these things matter in two weeks? In five years, or 10 years, or at the end of your life? Probably not.

Flip the Switch

Sometimes reframing is so powerful that it’s like flipping a switch, turning a problem off or revealing an opportunity.

What is your biggest problem today? Reframe it.

Reframing the Economy

I have lots of artist friends who tell me they are not selling any artwork because the economy is bad. Others I know reframe it and tell themselves, “This is the best time to advertise because there are fewer people advertising. As a result, I can steal everyone else’s customers. And for those who aren’t buying now, I’m branding myself at a time when I can brand more easily and effectively because there are fewer advertisers. When things change, the people who can’t buy now will seek me out when they are ready.” 

It’s a brilliant strategy, and it’s been proven to work. Kellogg’s was launched during the Great Depression. Post, king of the cereal category at the time, ignored Kellogg’s because they believed no one could take away their market dominance. So Post did no advertising while Kellog poured it on. By the end of the Depression, Kellogg’s had the number one market share, and Post has not caught up to this day. 

Ask yourself: 

What do I need to reframe?

Where do I find myself stuck?
Where do I continually have drama in my life?

What things bother me that shouldn’t?

Reframing is a great way to overcome any issue.

Eric Rhoads

During the pandemic, I reframed my fear. “How am I going to survive? How will I meet payroll?” Business had come to a complete stop. Then I started reframing… “People are scared to death, what can I do to help them? My people are not busy, I might as well do some things to keep them busy, entertained, and help them overcome their fear.”

Showing Up

First I launched a daily YouTube program called Art School Live. I broadcast free art lessons with other artists every day of the week for seven months. After seven months, I reduced it to five days a week, and it has gone on since and continues to this day. It was showing up when no one else was, and I ended up reaching millions, building my YouTube subscribers to over 100,000. And it helped my business in other ways. In fact, because of it, my artist retreats are selling out four or five months in advance, and the Plein Air Convention has only 41 seats left, five months in advance.

A Painful Day

In the first week of COVID shutdowns, we had 95 percent of the Plein Air Convention attendees cancel, and we refunded everyone’s money who asked. It was painful, but it was the right thing to do. But rather than saying we couldn’t have a convention, we reframed it; we would start doing art conventions online. This resulted in launching our online events. The income from those events saved our business.

The End of a Good Thing Did Not End

When COVID was over, all the experts said online conferences were over. But instead of stopping, we reframed them as online conferences for people who were unable to travel, who were at home raising kids or taking care of someone, and for those who couldn’t spend the money for an in-person event. The reframe saved the events, which continue strong to this day. As a matter of fact, our next event, Watercolor Live,  is January 24-26. If you want to learn watercolor, you should at least come to our Essential Techniques Day for beginners or as a refresher.

Every problem or challenge can be addressed with a reframe. 

Dolphins frolic in the water with their fins bobbing up and down, right beside the dock. Looking down into the water, shading my eyes from the reflection of the warm morning sun, I can see a stingray slowly cruising along the sandy bottom. The flag blows in the breeze, just enough wind to keep it steady. 

Driving the U.S.A.

Earlier in the week I set out to drive from Austin to the central coast of Florida, where I hope to spend part of the winter, escaping “cedar fever” season in Austin. That’s an allergy almost everyone gets after three years there that can cause flu-like symptoms for the first couple of months of the year. Those are also the coldest months, making time away even more appealing.

Pioneering Virtual Work

Thirty years ago, my company had an entire floor of an office building in West Palm Beach. One day one of my team members, Chuck Renwick, asked if he could work remotely because all his work was done on the phone and via e-mail (new technology at the time). He wanted to live in the Carolinas. I agreed to give it a try, and it worked so well that when our lease expired, I downsized the office from the whole floor to a small corner, asking everyone to work from home. For decades, I’ve been able to work from anywhere with no obligation to a fixed location, and that’s why I’m able to spend time in a remote location this winter. 

A Specific Plan

In 2002, when our triplets were born, I was fired from an early-stage Internet radio company I’d founded in San Francisco, as the company went down with the Twin Towers and the economy. Though upsetting at the time, seeing my dream crumble was a chance to reevaluate what I wanted my life to look like. 

What did I love about my last few years, and what did I not love? What did I want my life as a dad to look like? What were the things I wanted to make sure I did? What did I want to avoid? 

There is nothing quite like a kick in the teeth to get your attention. 

Though I’d been having the time of my life, living a dream after inventing something that could change the world of audio forever, I also discovered some things about myself that I did not love doing. And now that I was free, I had a chance to reinvent myself.

Reinvention

What if everything you had going for you came to a sudden stop? You’ve lost your income, and the things you’ve been working on for the last few years have been taken away. What if you could never do what you do now? Where would you turn?

Some people have to have things end badly before they realize what needs to change in their lives. We’re so busy keeping the merry-go-round moving at high speed that we can’t see that we’re dizzy and not enjoying the experience anymore. 

What needs to be reinvented in your life?

The magic of the week between Christmas and New Year’s is that things slow down, and the gift of the new year, beginning tonight at midnight, is that you get to make some resolutions. 

The countdown has begun. You have today and probably tomorrow to discover some things about yourself that need to change. And you have a fresh start to begin implementing them. 

Hopefully you won’t be forced to make hard decisions, but this is a chance to make some adjustments to eliminate the things you know need to change.

Broken Resolutions 

How many New Year’s Days have come and gone when you made resolutions and did nothing about them? How much longer will you tell yourself things need to change but do nothing? 

Here are some questions. The first thing that pops into your head is probably what you need to change. 

What needs to change regarding your health?

What needs to change regarding your diet?

What needs to change regarding your family relationships?

What needs to change regarding your spirituality?

What needs to change regarding your marriage?

What needs to change regarding your job?

What do you least look forward to doing?

What do you want to do more of?

What have you always wanted to do but never gotten around to? 

What do you hate about your life now?

Who do you need to spend more time with?

Who makes you happy?

Who makes you sad?

Who do you need to remove from your life?

If you were told you have three months to live — but you would have perfect health till the day you die — what three things would you do? What is the most important of the three?

What have you always wanted to do but fear?

What do you see yourself as, but you’ve never made it happen?

Here’s a tip:

Be detailed and specific in your answers.

And whatever comes up on your list, ask yourself, item by item, if you believe they can happen, 

The things you tell yourself probably can’t happen are likely the most important ones. 

Now ask yourself: If they could happen, what would have to change to make them happen? 

Add those things to your to-do list. 

Typically the biggest things that have not happened are the things we tend to tell ourselves are not possible.

But how do people build skyscrapers, invent rockets, and change the world?

They have fear, too. They have simply found ways to control it and not let it stop their dreams. 

What I Want for You

I set a giant, unreachable goal about three years ago. I wanted to teach one million people to paint. 

When I set the goal, it seemed impossible. So I lowered it to half a million. I lowered it again to half that, then half again. I ended up with a goal that I would teach 10,000 people to paint. But even then it seemed impossible. So I told myself it might as well be a million. 

I set the goal, and I announced it publicly so I’d be accountable. But I did not believe it. Yet after a couple of weeks of telling myself daily, “I am teaching a million people to paint” (not “I’m gonna,” but “I am”), it started happening, and things started falling into place. 

My brain paved the way. Total views of my YouTube channel have reached several million. 

I want you to know that you have the ability to overcome any obstacle, to do things you currently believe are impossible. 

I believe you can do impossible things. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Sometimes just knowing someone believes in you is enough for you to begin believing in yourself. 

But impossible things don’t happen until action is taken. Every small step toward the big dream is a step in the right direction. Any step toward the goal is courageous. 

If you make your list, pick the number one thing on the list and take action toward that thing every day, using focused time toward that goal, you will hit it. If you break down big, impossible steps into small, bite-size steps and knock them down like bowling pins, you will crush any impossible goal. 

“Small plans do not inflame the hearts of men.” — Napoleon

You can do this.

Eric Rhoads

PS: This message is spread worldwide to over 90 countries and hundreds of thousands of people. I’m honored that you open your e-mail every Sunday and thankful for all of you who forward messages to friends and family.

Only a tiny fraction of you live near me in Austin, Texas, but we’ll be at one of five services today (probably the 11 a.m.) at Austin Ridge, our home church. We hope to see you there. You can find it online at www.AustinRidge.org.

The high-pitched bird whistle was one I did not recognize, yet a quick glance out the window revealed a huge osprey sitting atop the dock on the water before me. Moments later, he made the sound again, and then, with giant wings spread, he swooped down into the water and came up with a fish in his beak while making a loud whooshing sound. It was one of those unforgettable moments here in paradise on the Space Coast of Florida, where I will be spending part of my winter this year. I feel fortunate to have designed my life to work from anywhere there is a good Internet connection. And as we find ourselves traveling, we realize how little we really need.

My grandmother Luella used to say that as she aged, the years passed by like minutes. I can remember it seemed like school years would never end, when I was in school and when my kids were in school. But now my years are so packed with planned activities, we go from one event to another, and suddenly it’s time to start a new year and a new cycle of events.

Though I made a lot of plans and goals for the year, I’ve still not completed my planning process. My goal is to actually get it done this week so I can move on to other things.

Planning Time

As I alluded to last week, the most important part of planning is thinking. Asking yourself questions. And though I have planned thinking time on my calendar every week, I’m finding myself questioning my motives. 

Why do I do what I do? 

Do I want to continue doing it? 

Do I want to continue repeating the same things over and over, or am I ready to abandon some old things in exchange for some new ones? 

These are tough questions, because removing something successful might mean taking something away that my clients love, or it might mean losing revenue we need for survival. 

Yet the idea of adding more new things is overwhelming to me and to my team, who are already overwhelmed. 

So I have to ask myself this … knowing what I know now, if I were starting over, would I do the same things I’m doing today?

If not, what would I do differently? What would I change?

What would I not want to do anymore?

Creatures of Habit

We buy the same brand of cars from year to year because we like them, we’re comfortable with them, and it’s easier because we know we can trust them; we know what to expect. I have friends who bought a new house in the same neighborhood rather than trying a new area. 

Though we may be questioning the known, staying put and repeating the same things week to week and year to year is easier than making change and leaping into the unknown.

Far too often, we’re in careers based on decisions we made when we were too young to make good decisions. Think about how immature we were at high school or college age, when we fell in love with something that became our career. 

Would we pick that same thing today, knowing what we know now? Knowing what else is out there?

Stuck on an Old Dream

I spent decades in a career that was based on a passion I developed at age 12, and though I’m less involved, I am still linked to it today. Also, I continue to be passionate about painting, as I have been since almost three decades ago. But do I do it because I’ve invested so much into it, become so established and secure in it? Or because I am still as passionate as before? 

These are the kinds of things I find myself asking.

If change were not forced upon us, would you and I ever change? 

One friend got fired from a job after a long career in her industry. She would have retired in it, but instead found herself disconnected, unable to get employment in that industry because of non-compete contracts and because of her age. Reluctantly, she grasped for something, anything she could find, and it turns out she loves her new direction more than anything she ever did in her career, and wants to spend the rest of her career doing it.

So how do we make change if change isn’t pushed on us? 

Most of us don’t make change unless it’s dropped upon us like a nuclear bomb. Even then, we cling to our comfort zone, trying to get something close to what we know.

But what if you were forced into something and it turned out to stimulate you more than anything you’ve done in your life? 

What Holds You Back?

The first answer is to look at the boat anchors wrapped around us, the biggest being financial security. If you knew you could leave your current career for something that would make you happier, but you had to take a 50% cut in pay and move out of your existing nest, would you do it? I don’t know if I would.

A few months ago I talked about tapping into our subconscious mind. If I had to do something else and could not do what I’m doing now, what would it be? 

The answer coming into your head is probably the correct answer, if you catch it before you start judging it and coming up with all the reasons it must be the wrong answer.

What Should I Do Next?

I asked myself that question recently, and what came to my head was to become a stage speaker, to help people craft better lives, kind of like what Tony Robbins does. The other thing was to create a general interest podcast, interviewing smart people in areas that have nothing to do with what I do now. 

Will I do them? I’m not sure yet. Probably not, if the pain of losing what I’m passionate about is too severe. The upside would have to be bigger and better, and I’m not sure it would be. And my head automatically defaults to all the reasons it’s a bad idea… needing to start something new from scratch, not having financial security, and not seeing all the people I’ve grown to love at my events. These are the kinds of strings that we are comfortable being tied down with.

What Should You Do?

I’m not suggesting you do anything about any of this, but I do think it’s healthy to keep asking the questions. I also think that some of us face “reality” questions: Do I have the time, health, or energy? Frankly, I don’t think those things would stop me from pursuing something I love. After all, all the bad things that we predict could happen might not. So deal with them when they do. But don’t stop living because of fear of what might happen. 

A Great Example

I saw recently that Kentucky Fried Chicken was formed when Harlan Sanders was in his sixties. I had a great mentor, my own father, who forced himself to do something fresh and new about every decade. He started a new business at 70, and then another at 80, which he worked on till he was in his mid-90s while he was reinventing himself for the next chapter.

My friend John told me he was upset with his dad, who invested in a new shopping center when he was 80, because John ended up having to deal with it when his dad died a decade later. Though he was annoyed because he felt his father had no business making such a commitment at that age, it gave his dad something fun to do, it made money, and it kept his father mentally engaged. I think it was a great idea.

The thought of stopping, enjoying the fruits of my lifetime of labor on a boat or a La-Z-Boy chair, isn’t of interest to me. I want to be busy, emotionally and intellectually stimulated, and use the brain I’ve been given as long as it’s willing to keep operating. 

Dying at Your Desk

My friend Frank Covas, a broadcaster I loved and respected, an inventor who saw tremendous success, was always reinventing himself, loved life, and loved working. He did not die in a nursing home alone and unvisited, he died at his desk, at 2 o’clock in the morning, working passionately on some worthy project. When he learned he had a disease that was going to kill him, he and I sat down, he looked me in the eye, and he said, “This time, it’s gonna get me, there is no escape. I don’t know how long I’ve got, but I’ve got to get busy because there are things that need to be done that only I can do.” I loved that.

If you want clarity … write what you want someone to say about your life at your funeral. Read it out loud. Is it enough? Do you have regrets? Is there more you intend to do? 

Today is the perfect day to start filling in the blanks and answering those questions.

Eric Rhoads

This probably sounds lame to most people, but when I started PleinAir Magazine, I told myself I wanted to turn plein air painting into the next big sport, helping others discover the joy of painting, and painting outside. The mission was not to make money. Money usually follows when big change happens. Today, two decades later, there are more people worldwide painting outdoors than ever. The PleinAir Podcast has millions of downloads. There are hundreds of plein air events today, when there were only a handful when we started, and PleinAir remains the #1 selling art magazine nationwide at Barnes & Noble stores.

When I started Fine Art Connoisseur magazine, I was disgusted because the art world was snooty and it was not embracing the young realists who were doing work every bit as good as the Old Masters. I made it my mission to make art approachable, and to expose the work of these artists and help others discover how to do what they do. When we started, there were only about three or four places to learn how to create realism. But the students of those schools started their own schools, and now a third generation has started schools, resulting in a substantial number of places teaching academic realism. Plus we have had Realism Live online, and an in-person conference.

I did not launch these to make money. In fact, I lost money for years, knowing I needed to play the long game. I launched them based on a big vision for what could be. 

My next big vision is to change the way art is taught and learned. Too many people never do it because they believe that natural-born talent is required, which isn’t true. We’ve created over 700 incredible art instruction courses with PaintTube.tv, and we’ve trained many thousands with events like this month’s Watercolor Live online conference. And of course we’ve planted seeds for millions with our daily Art School Live YouTube channel.

Though there is more to do to optimize everything we do, the reality is that there are more hills to climb, more people who have a burning desire to change their lives and live dreams they may not think are possible. 

You have more in you. Make 2024 the year you make things happen.

Instead of the sound of rustling trees, rain hitting the tin roof of my long Texas porch, and the chorus of a flurry of birds hanging out in my twisted oaks, I’ve awakened to the slow low rumble of of an elevator, the rattle of an ice machine dropping ice into a cheap plastic bucket, and the knock on my hotel room door and shout of “Housekeeping!”

I’m in Dallas. Yesterday we attended the wedding of the son of two of our favorite friends. It was a perfect day, and it’s fun to see a child we watched grow up become a man and a husband. We wish them well.

Why I Hate Weddings

This wedding was beautiful in every way. I don’t regret attending a bit. In fact, it was loads of fun and I spoke to some interesting folks. But there was a time when I swore I would never attend another wedding in my life. I avoided weddings for over two decades. 

A Rough Moment

When I was a young radio DJ in Miami, I supplemented my income as a wedding photographer. I’m not sure how many weddings I photographed, but it was one too many. My final wedding was the one I screwed up. No matter how many backup cameras, sets of film, and plans for disaster, that time was the perfect storm, and something I did ruined most of the photos. I don’t know if it was a bad batch of film, a processing mistake, a bad light meter, poor exposures, or human error, but I had the displeasure of showing up for the viewing at the family home. 

The anxious bride was on my right, the parents were on my left. Stuttering and stumbling with fear, I had to show them the two dozen photos that turned out OK, and the hundreds that did not. The result was not pleasant. I was loudly berated by the enraged father of the bride and was kicked out of the house. Of course I gave the couple their money back, but I’d botched the photos of their special day. It was one of the toughest days of my young life. I was so mortified that I canceled all the other weddings I had scheduled and swore I’d never do another. And for years I refused to attend weddings because it brought back such a difficult memory.

Looking Back

In hindsight, I should have gotten back on the horse and continued. I was pretty good, well paid, and very entertaining. And I had lessons to learn that would have come in handy in future years. But I was too immature, and pain avoidance was all I wanted at that time. I should not have allowed one angry customer to discourage me. (I’m lucky I didn’t get sued, but then again, all I had was my 72 VW and some cameras.)

Photographer to the Stars

Picture this. It’s 1977, the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack is the number one album worldwide, and the Bee Gees are at the top of their game. Their sound engineer, Carl, was an icon in the recording industry, and he fell in love with the receptionist at the radio station in Miami where I was working as the night DJ. The couple hired me as their wedding photographer. So I showed up at the beachfront park in Miami to learn that the wedding included the Gibb brothers … all of the Bee Gees, and their little brother, Andy. Here I am, posing some of the most famous people in the world in wedding photos. It was a little intimidating.

At the reception Robin Gibb invited me to sit with them and invited me to an afterparty at their house. I politely declined, but kicked myself later; I should have attended. But I had to go on the radio later that night — and I was so insecure that I did not feel deserving. In hindsight, someone could have filled in for me on the air. 

Thankfully, those wedding photos turned out perfectly. 

My Best Marriage Advice?

When I got married, all the older couples were giving me their best marriage advice, but it fell on deaf ears. And I resisted the urge to take the young couple aside at the wedding yesterday because anything I had to say would also fall on deaf ears. There are days when I wonder how even my wife puts up with me. Here’s what I wanted to tell them, but didn’t.

• Love changes. I always heard this, but never believed it would happen to me. You go from that euphoric feeling of being in love to a level of mature love. The changes usually start about year three and peak at around year seven, which is why those are the most dangerous times for a marriage. Mature love is so much different. You care as deeply, probably more, sometimes less, but as the euphoria wears off, you get closer to real life — kids, jobs, mortgages, problems and challenges, what to do with your money, how to raise your kids, the impact of your faith, etc. It’s actually better, but it’s easy to look back at the feeling of early love and crave it. If you know this will happen, you’re less likely to do something stupid trying to regain that feeling.
• Up till now you’ve been living with campaign promises, and now that you’re married, all the pretending will slowly disappear. One friend of mine had never seen his wife without makeup until after they’d been married for a while. Another reported that he no longer closes the bathroom door and no longer hides passing gas. You’ll start seeing the real person behind the actor or actress you’ve been dating the past few years. Don’t let it shock you. Embrace the fact that the real person is better than the person running for office.
• The person you marry will change, and you will change. Ten years out, they won’t be the same person. Twenty or thirty years later, they will have changed dramatically. That’s not a bad thing. It’s like fine wine; we all mature. Again: Embrace change.
• The moment you get married, you’ll discover people want what they can’t have. You become more attractive. There will always be shiny objects who will try to grab you when you’re vulnerable. Don’t ever put yourself in a position to take advantage of it.
• You’ve both been on the hunt … seeking the perfect mate. And you developed a lot of habits you now need to shed. You’re used to trying to win, to conquer. Now you have won the best prize of all, so put your conqueror behavior aside. It’s not even cool to flirt with others. Just understand you have to lose the habit or it could lead you to big problems.
• Speaking of shiny objects: If you shed one marriage for another, the things you don’t like about your previous mate will tend to show up again and again. I have this on good authority from a friend who has been married five times and finally admitted HE was the problem all along.
• You’re a team now. Partners. You’re used to making your own decisions, but you can’t do that anymore. All major decisions require both of you to agree. Don’t dominate. Be a true partner. Things will go smoother.
• Your money isn’t your money anymore. You share it unless you’ve made specific arrangements otherwise. This was a hard one for me. I used to buy things without input, or I’d buy them anyway, even after input. I slip into that behavior once in a while still, but these decisions should be shared.
• Try to agree on who does what up front. Don’t just assume that she will do the cooking and dishes or stay home with the kids. Don’t just assume he’s the one who is going to work to support everyone. Figure this out before you get married.
• Don’t think you can change their mind after you’re married. Make sure you talk about every possible scenario, and if the person you’re with says they don’t want kids, or want to work when you don’t want that, take heed and listen. Have the difficult discussions. Get premarital counseling.
• The “D word” is never an option. Agree up front that no matter how bad things get, you’ll never threaten divorce. You’ll think about it hundreds of times in your marriage when things are not going your way or when you have rough patches. Never make it an option. If before you get married you’re thinking, “If things don’t work out, we’ll simply divorce,” don’t get married. You’re not committed.
• You’re not going to be easy to live with. Whatever you’re whining about because it’s their fault is 50 percent your fault, you’re just not seeing it. You’re in this together.
• When you’re upset, don’t start name-calling. Remember, some things will resonate for years, and some things you can never take back. If you’re angry and about to say bad things, you’re allowed to say instead, “I’m angry and might say the wrong thing, so let’s continue this discussion in an hour” or “tomorrow.” But do always go back to resolve it.
• Don’t keep bringing up old arguments over and over. You get to bring it up one time, not every time you get angry. Get over it. We all make mistakes.
• Honesty is important, but there are some things you should never share with your spouse. If it’s something that might haunt them forever, keep it to yourself.
• The number one reason for divorce is people feeling as though their mate is not paying attention to them anymore. Most divorce happens between year three and year seven, or after couples become empty-nesters. When you were campaigning, you worked really hard at showing them you care. When that goes away, your partner no longer feels special. Find ways to keep the attention fresh and new and show that you still care, even if you’re married a hundred years.
• If you’re going to take sides, side with your spouse, not with your family or parents. Doing anything else is a quick road to division. Even if you disagree, suck it up and support your mate. You’re not married to your family.
• Communicate about what you each need, daily or weekly. Live up to it.
• If you’re getting married for financial security or to escape your parents or to get away from an ex, run for the hills. Those are stupid reasons. Marrying for money is empty once you realize that all the money in the world, all the stuff, won’t make you happy.
  
• Communicate up front about your faith. It never seems like a big deal if you don’t agree, until you have kids. Then suddenly it matters and you want to raise your kids the way you were raised. Conflict will arise. And it might not be healthy to confuse your kids.
• Christmas, birthdays ,and major holidays hold family traditions. We used to get our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving, my wife’s family got the tree Christmas Eve. I wasted a lot of time and energy debating these cultural things, and there were lots of hard feelings. Decide in advance.
• Most men change significantly between 25 and 35. Most women change significantly between 20 and 30. What you want and need and who you are will change. Wait it out if you can. But if you can’t, you need to be willing to live with what each of you has become. Growing apart isn’t an option. Stay committed. You can get through anything. Even arranged marriages end up with people coming to love one another over time.
• Addictions destroy relationships. Take it very seriously if your spouse is giving you clues about your addictions. Listen and change.
• Make it clear up front that you will never tolerate physical abuse of you or your kids — or emotional abuse. Put him or her on notice that the first time they get physical is the last time they will see you. There are no excuses, and no apology that would ever be enough. If you love someone, you don’t hit them, ever, or threaten to.
• People who give up who they are and what they love resent it. Respect the passions of your spouse and make room for them.
• Don’t clam up. Say what needs to be said, no matter how painful

Nothing is ever perfect. The movies sell perfection that does not exist. If you don’t expect perfection, you’ll be a lot happier.

I’m looking forward to the day when my kids find their soulmates and I can have them ignore my advice. But at least I’ll feel as though I tried. 

Happy Sunday,

Eric Rhoads

PS: A note to my bride. I know when you see this list you’ll realize that I’m aware of the things I should be doing that I’m not doing. I’ll try harder. I know I’m hard to live with, I know I drive you crazy, and I know I do stupid things. Still, I adore you. You’re as beautiful as the day I married you, smarter than I knew at the time, and your advice has been valuable and helped me in ways you cannot comprehend, even though I was often resistant to it. Thanks for being my partner in life.

PS 2: Though I love Christmas, I hate the pressure of shopping and gift-giving. I love to give people what they want, but I don’t love buying things not knowing whether they will like them.

I still don’t know what I want. I honestly can’t think of a thing, yet people are asking. But surprises are wonderful. The best gifts are the ones you make.

PS 3: It all clicked when I stood in front of Anders Zorn’s watercolor paintings in Sweden. Then I went to the home of Stanislaw Zoladz and saw watercolors that I couldn’t believe could be made by a human being. So I’m painting in watercolor and gouache more than ever. I’m loving it. It has given me a fresh perspective on painting, I’m learning and growing in new ways, and I’m having fun experimenting. This week I copied two Zorn masterpieces. I did one that I’ve spent five nights painting.

What I realized through all of this is that I never could do what I’m doing had I not attended Watercolor Live online last January. When I find challenges I don’t know how to solve, I’m able to pull the answers out of my head because they were taught to me during that four-day event. It truly does change you; I’m living proof. As the host, I can’t watch every segment. But there is something to this immersion-training thing. 

Reward yourself with a ticket. www.watercolorlive.com Yes, you can do it even if you don’t think you have talent. Oh, and it’s a great Christmas gift.

PS 4
Other cool gifts 

• For art lovers: Fine Art Connoisseur magazine. www.fineartconnoisseur.com
• For artists: PleinAir Magazine. www.pleinairmagazine.com
• For artists who want to find their inner master: videos at www.painttube.tv
• For artists who want to stop dropping brushes: Easel Brush Clip. www.easelbrushclip.com
• For artists who want to learn to see values: Value Specs. https://painttube.tv/products/paint-by-note-red-glasses

Upon returning from her adventure, going back to Kansas with a click of her heels, Dorothy uttered, “There’s no place like home.” I feel the same. After being away for several weeks, visiting Sweden, Spain, and Florida, I have returned to my long wooden back porch at my Texas ranch house, looking out over the arid plants, twisted and gnarly oaks, and distant purple mountains, enjoying the crisp morning air and the remaining vibrant hues of autumn.

I’m still basking in the gift of Thanksgiving, having had the triplets home, gathered around our table, and feeling as though nothing ever changed and no one ever left. And I’m comforted that each is doing well and finding their way. Yet today, everyone heads back to their roles elsewhere, and we start our quest to get everyone back again for Christmas. Yet I can’t help but reflect on the Thanksgiving spirit that still lingers in the air. A spirit of gratitude, of togetherness, of compassion, and most importantly, of hope.

I can never articulate it, but it’s as though someone sprinkled magical fairy dust on me, starting about last Tuesday. Suddenly, I was consumed by true gratitude for the people in my life. I had clearly launched into holiday mode on Tuesday and had a hard time focusing on work on Wednesday, though final year-end planning has to get done.

The Power of Hope

Hope, that resilient flame that flickers even in the darkest of times, is what I find myself drawn to today. Hope, the driving force that propels us forward, that motivates us to believe in a brighter tomorrow, a tomorrow filled with possibilities and the promise of a better world. Some days it’s hard to find hope when you track what is happening in the world, yet I have faith that mankind always finds its way and settles its issues. When I see the spirit of Thanksgiving spread across my deep network of friendships, my confidence in mankind is renewed. 

Lessons from Thanksgiving

In the aftermath of Thanksgiving, as we bask in the warmth of shared meals and sleepy tryptophan-fueled couch napping, along with the joy of family gatherings, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. But amid the chaos, let’s not forget the profound lessons Thanksgiving has imparted — lessons of gratitude, kindness, and the power of human connection. What if we were all more grateful every single day?

Hope: A Guiding Light

These lessons, like the gentle rays of the sun, have the power to illuminate our lives, to guide us through the darkest of times, and to remind us that even in the face of adversity, there is always hope. Hope is not just a fleeting emotion; it’s a powerful force that can transform our lives. It’s the belief that things can get better, that we have the ability to make a difference, and that we’re not alone in this journey.

A Journey of Hope

As we navigate the ups and downs of life, let’s seek out hope like a precious lighthouse, guiding us toward a brighter future. Let’s nurture it with our actions, with our compassion, and with our unwavering belief in the inherent goodness of humanity.

The Power of Human Connection

Remember, hope is not a destination; it’s a journey. It’s the continuous act of choosing to believe, to persevere, and to make a difference in the world. It’s having faith in our fellow man, and understanding that deep down, everyone means well and has purpose. Conflicts are driven by differences, fueled by people feeling as though they are not being heard. All conflicts can be resolved by listening. Seems naive, doesn’t it? Yet it’s the foundation of settling everything.

Spreading Kindness

So, as you go about your day today, let the spirit of hope guide your steps. Let it inspire you to reach out to those in need, to spread kindness wherever you go, and to believe in the limitless possibilities that lie ahead. Instead of that cold, hard shell we often put on when passing a homeless person, judging them for begging on the streets, perhaps we need to give them the benefit of the doubt and be grateful that it’s not us or a family member, understanding that this person is someone’s son or daughter, struggling with bad choices or uncontrolled circumstances or the inability to cope. I’m sad to say that I’ve experienced seeing someone I love be homeless, and it is a helpless feeling because you know that at some point, they will have to pull themselves out of it, even after so many attempts by others to rescue them. Yet everyone can use a friend and a helping hand.

Creating a Better Future

For it is in the depths of hope, in the resilience of the human spirit, that we find the strength to overcome challenges, to build a better world, and to create a brighter future for generations to come. And as the Christmas season officially begins and people are showing their greed by fighting over big-screen TVs in Walmart, let’s all keep the spirit we’ve captured this week, carrying it through Christmas and into the new year. And as we think about resolutions for the soon-to-be-coming new year of 2024, let’s remember that the spirit of generosity and giving should fuel us each day — and it will, if we allow ourselves time to let that spirit consume us.

Happy Sunday, and may the warmth of hope fill your hearts and homes.

Eric Rhoads

PS: Time away and reflection have brought me to some new and frightening places, because my thoughts have pushed me out of my comfort zone and are driving me to pursue some new things in the coming months. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I think it will be a good thing. I like the idea of change for the sake of change. I don’t want to be the man who lives to be a hundred and has repeated the same year, the same things, a hundred times. I want to live each year as its own, with its own unique experiences. No more Groundhog Day. Every day, every year, fresh and new. Like I said, I can’t tell you what it means or what it is, but I’ve had this feeling before and I feel change coming. Stay tuned — it’s going to be an interesting year.

PS 2: One project is to write a new book, different from my last two, which were different from one another. This one is broader, with deeper purpose. It’s started, and will continue to progress until it’s done. Honestly, I don’t want to do it because it pushes me out of my comfort zone and forces me to examine my life and my theories. But I know I can help millions of people by saying what others haven’t said. I have no interest in repeating what’s been said before and copied hundreds of times by others. I have a big vision for this, and I look forward to seeing what happens.

PS 3: These last few weeks of the year are the most important of all. Not just because of the spirit of the holidays, but because what you decide now, plan now, and begin to implement will determine the direction and success of your year. Time spent now will make a big difference because, as you know, the minute the year begins, it’s already over. As I look at all the gurus on Instagram who give everyone all the advice about how to be rich or successful, few if any ever mention the most important part: planning. If you could pick one giant thing you want to have happen and two smaller but important things, what would they be? Can you measure them, so you know when you’ve accomplished them? If you lay those things out, then lay out 50 steps toward each one, then throw those steps in your calendar, you will hit it. You can do this in one day, though it deserves more thought and time than that. What if you took the time and got that done so you hit the ground running in 2024?

PS 4: Remember this. If you think 2024 is going to be a bad year because of the economy, the election, wars, or other things, you’re exactly right. On the other hand, if you think it’s going to be a great year, possibly the best year in your life, you’re also right. You have the choice. It starts with what you’re believing and ends with who you’re listening to. No one else has the right to tell you that you’re going to have a bad year no matter what you do. Don’t listen unless it’s constructive or helpful. 

PS 5: I don’t have actual numbers because so many people receive this when it’s forwarded, and I don’t really care how big or small the audience is. But I know this. If you received one thought, one idea, one bit of encouragement, or some value out of reading this, sharing it might be a gift to someone else who needs those things. Who do you know that needs a rudder in their life? You know what to do.

PS 6: This weekend tens of thousands of people got some great bargains during our Black Friday sale on art instruction streaming videos. According to our stats, they are already opening them and viewing them, and gradually, as they watch, they are being transformed into artists, or better artists. Even those who don’t believe they have what it takes. I want that for you because most of us need something other than work and kids or grandkids. We need something that is our own, expressing our creativity. Those deals are still out there at www.painttube.tv. These make great gifts too.

PS7: And if watercolor is something you are destined to master, join our Watercolor Live worldwide virtual conference in January by signing up now at www.watercolorlive.com. 

Rolling out of bed naturally, I head to the bathroom, flip the light switch I’ve hit every morning for over a decade — and something feels wrong. I’m not struggling to find a switch or bumping into walls or tripping over suitcases. Today is the first normal Sunday I’ve had in weeks. It’s glorious. 

There is no better feeling than the coziness of my own bed and the familiarity of my own house after weeks away. 

I just returned from three weeks abroad, plus a week of driving, and a week at one of my artist retreats. I’ve been living out of a suitcase and realizing that I’ve not had a mental break in over four years. The candle has been burning at both ends, and the life of constant business, events, shows, columns, and running a company had me lost, burned out, and even a little unenthusiastic. 

Yet this week, I’m a new man, refreshed and filled with ideas and the excitement to implement them. Problems and challenges bounce off my chest like bullets off Superman. I no longer have to fight through miles of spiderwebs in my brain. My burnout is gone.

Funny thing — I did not know I was burned out. Like all of us, I just keep plowing forward, doing what I need to do to survive. But there have been clues. Ideas were harder to come by, especially fresh ones. And I caught myself being a little grumpy in some tough moments in meetings. Very unlike the normal me. It was time for a break, but work had other plans for me. 

The reality is that I went for four years without a break. Most of us did. When Covid hit, I launched a YouTube show called Art School Live. I did it because I knew everyone was lost and freaking out, and they needed someone to be there for them. I went live every day, seven days a week at 12 noon, for seven solid months. Then, because it was so hard on me and my staff, doubling our workload, I cut down from seven days a week to five days a week. Then last year I started replaying some old shows a couple of days a week and only doing three days live. Though I loved doing the show, I needed a break. 

That natural break came when we made our first Fine Art Trip to Europe in four years. This was our 11th trip to see museums and art behind the scenes. And though it was fun and not especially challenging work, it’s not like I can sleep in or skip a day.  And you can’t completely relax or let your hair down because you’re with customers all day for a couple of weeks. 

But following the two weeks of art touring, and being around amazing art every day, I needed a vacation. So we took one. Five days in Majorca. No art, just being tourists, eating lots of gelato and tapas and being absorbed in the local culture. 

But here’s the trick that worked so beautifully to give me a refreshed attitude, new ideas, and enthusiasm about getting back … and it’s a great way to overcome burnout.

You have to disappear from the world, bury your head in the sand, and ignore everything.

Here’s what I mean.

Once we started our official vacation, I set up a security net around my brain.

1. No reality. I was in Spain to escape reality. I wanted to pretend I lived there. Thankfully my wife speaks Spanish fluently. So we tried to avoid using English whenever possible. I didn’t want to see or hear anything about America. I didn’t want to eat American food, or deal with other Americans. Being in another country is a great way to escape.
2. No news. My wife is pretty good about keeping me posted about the world. But I asked her not to tell me anything about the news. No war, no conflict, no crisis. I told her she could tell me anything once we landed in America. I avoided all TV news in any language, and I refused to look at headlines on the newspapers as I walked by. I simply did not want to know and assumed I could do nothing about it anyway.
   .
3. No social media. I took the entire week away from social media. Though I did  occasionally check messages for practical reasons, I did not open them if they were not relevant to a need on a trip. It was hard. My addiction to social media means always picking up my phone. It was hard to overcome, but I stayed off all social media feeds for an entire week. Of course social media tends to get newsy and political too. So it was another filter from the news.
4. No English-language media. I love watching TV in foreign countries. It’s fun to see new products, shows we’ve never seen, in a language I can’t speak. And it’s a good way to learn some words. But I would not watch anything in English. Flipping through the channels, I avoided CNN, BBC, and even things like Discovery, if they were in English. Avoiding English has been a mental break.
5. No e-mail. I refused to check e-mail, and I asked my assistant to deal with it all. She knows not to call or text me for any reason unless it’s critical. The only communication we had was about flights.
   
6. No texting. I made the mistake of checking texts one day early in the week, and because a colleague had sent me a note about something, I got stressed out and I laid awake all night ruminating about a particular problem. It’s my own fault; I allowed it to bother me. But I should have not checked. So I did not text or check text the rest of the week. 

I never really consider myself stressed out, but I realized from this experience just how much stress there is in my life. I don’t mind it; I thrive on solving problems or facing challenges. But I think the key to living among stress is the ability to escape it and separate yourself from it. 

Now, after my little weekly experiment, I plan to spend weekends off of social media, e-mail, and texting. Nothing can be that important, right?

On a typical night before bed, I’m on social media for a couple of hours, just doom scrolling. That ends now. I’ll replace it with painting time or hobby time. Let’s see if I can do it.

We tell ourselves that we can go on vacation and stay in touch on e-mail. That’s a mistake, and I tell my employees not to do it, to avoid work 100 percent. You may think the world will fall apart without you, but you need an escape. And a week without any business e-mail will do more good than you realize. 

What about you? What are you stressing about?

Do you need an escape?

We can’t always go to a foreign country, or travel at all, but we can take reality breaks from media and social media for a weekend or even a week. 

The end result is you’ll be happier, you’ll have to find other things to replace all that scrolling time, and you’ll grow from the experience.

If you can’t put your phone down to enjoy a conversation at dinner, your addiction is impacting your life and relationships, whether you realize it or not. My kids were always pointing it out to me. So I need to stop the addiction. I’m not sure if I could leave my phone at home, but it’s worth a try. 

At Thanksgiving, just around the corner, friends tell me all phones go into a basket for dinner. Otherwise everyone is always looking at their phone and missing everything that’s going on.

What did we do before we became addicted to our phones, social media, and the news?

Happily I have my hobbies of painting and woodworking to escape to. If you don’t have anything, find something. It will do you a world of good. But most importantly, try to escape. You’ll thank me later.

Eric Rhoads

On my trip I met a guy, and the conversation went like this….

Me: What do you do outside of work?

Him: Not much, really. I read the paper and check my investments.

Me: Do you have any hobbies or interests?

Him: Nope.

Me: What will you do when you retire?

Him: Probably die or play a lot of golf.

Me: So you play golf?

Him: Nope. But I’ll probably take it up because that’s what all my friends do.

Me: So you’re looking forward to it?

Him: Not really. 

My best advice: Find something now. Don’t wait. Whether it’s bird-watching or stamp-collecting, it’s important to have something else. If for no other reason than because of what I mentioned above.

Tens of thousands of people have used our website PaintTube.tv to discover how to paint. Maybe there is something there for you.

I just finished our online Realism Live seminar yesterday. Our next one is about watercolor, in January. You can learn about it at WatercolorLive.com.

There is something spectacular about waking up at 6 am in the woods, especially in October. Tall, moss-covered trees tower through the fog as morning light just begins to stream in, highlighting some colorful leaves and some crunchy dead leaves on the ground. In a moment I’ll put on my hiking shoes and crunch across the leaves at this kids’ camp where I’m hosting my Fall Color artist retreat. Soon, we’ll share stories over eggs, bacon, and pancakes with warm Adirondack maple syrup. Being here with friends reminds me of summer camp.

A week seemed like a long time away when my parents sent me off to YMCA camp in Indiana. I wasn’t looking forward to going because I had poor self-esteem, and I did not cherish the idea of taking a week of my summer to hang out with more bullies.

Fat and Embarrassed

At 10, I was severely overweight, frequently bullied by other boys, and often mocked for being fat. Unlike most of the others who were trim and fit, I was unable to keep up in gym classes and embarrassed when I was the only kid who could not climb  the rope in the middle of the gym. Mr. Ennis, my gym teacher, didn’t help, making me try over and over as the others laughed and I failed. 

Making Myself Sick

I didn’t hate school, but I hated gym class, and I would look for every possible excuse to avoid it, including making myself sick with worry. So much so that I developed stomach ulcers, which brought even more attention to me because I had to leave class four times a day to eat saltines and drink milk. Now I was the sick fat kid. 

The Outcasts

Though I hadn’t been looking forward to Y camp, I quickly made a bunch of friends there who had not received the memo that I was a big fat loser. In hindsight, we were probably all outcast kids, gathered to escape our otherwise miserable childhoods. The week went so fast that on parents’ visitation night, once I had realized most of my friends were there for two weeks, my parents extended my time. Other than my best friend Stu, and a couple of friends at Scouts, it was the first time I remember having friends who liked me for who I was. 

When camp ended, we all traded addresses and some were pen pals for a month or two, but we never reconnected until the following year, when we picked up where we left off. But once camp ended that second summer, none of us ever saw each other again. Things might have been different if we had had social media back then. 

A lot can happen in a week. 

Surrounded with Friends

Today we’re starting day three of my Fall Color Week retreat. People who had been perfect strangers a week earlier have already become painting buddies and best friends. It happens fast here. Half are new, the other half return year after year when they can, some for several years in a row. 

A Delayed Response

Years ago a woman approached me and told me she’d finally made it to the retreat after years of trying to get there. Family responsibilities got in the way, but she had been dreaming about that moment of attending. In that week we all grew very close, and she made two or three best friends, including a couple of people who lived nearby and who would become local buddies. At the end of the week she told me it was one of the best weeks of her life, exceeding her expectations with the benefit of new friendships she had not expected. 

Months later, I received a call that she had unexpectedly passed away. We were all heartbroken, having lost “one of us.” The following year we put her photo in a frame and put it out in the breakfast room to honor her. 

An Important Lesson

Before leaving, she shared that though she had wanted to come for years, she almost never made it, including the year she finally got there. I’m not only grateful she came, made some deep friendships, and had a wonderful time, but it made me realize how important it is to follow our dreams and not let anything get in the way. Had she put it off one more year, we never would have known her or been touched by her.

Volumes of books and photo albums could be filled with the stories and traditions that have come out of this annual week after many years. For me, it’s a dream come true. The fat kid with low self-esteem is now living a rich life full of friends.

This morning as I’m reflecting on all the special moments of the week, the new friendships made and older ones rekindled, I have this overwhelming feeling of being grateful. 

Immature Logic

When I was a kid, I could not get past the circumstances that were causing my horrible experiences. I thought they would last forever and that I was doomed to a lifetime of being mocked and bullied. But that all changed when I realized that others were not doing it to me, I was doing it to myself. Though there is no excuse for bullies and bad behavior, they were just being kids and hopefully did not remain bullies forever, 

It’s Not This Way Forever

It’s a reminder that no matter what circumstances you are living and what horrible things you think may never end, it does not have to be that way. Things change. People mature. When our brains are immature, we can’t see a way out, yet there is always a way out. We hold the keys to make changes within ourselves.

Deep Anger

When I hear the horror stories of bad reactions, of people who have such deep anger that they feel the need to get even, I remember the pain I experienced. There were times I wanted to get even. I’d see the ads in the back of comic books telling me I could go from a weakling to a muscle-bound hero, so I could defend myself and others and stop getting sand kicked in my face. I dreamed of one day going into the locker room and clobbering them all. 

But of course violence or getting even solves nothing. Forgiveness solves everything. 

In junior high school there was a kid that was so mean to me that I wished he would move away or die. It seemed the only solution to stop the madness. He sat behind me in class and bullied me every day for four years.

Forgive Him? No Way!

Decades later, I was at a Promise Keepers event and the speaker asked if there was anyone we hated. Even though I had not thought about this kid for 30 years, his name popped up. We were encouraged to forgive whoever came to mind. Forgiving him was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, even as an adult. But I felt free after. 

Childhood wounds stay with us for our entire lives, but they are from an irrational time in our lives. They can color our decisions for decades if we let them.

But they also mold who we become. Perhaps I’m driven to make lots of friends and be socially active because of the wounds of being a lonely, bullied fat kid. In hindsight, that harsh treatment made me who I am. I now wonder, who would I be without that? It made me stronger, more resilient, more resourceful.

Strength Through Fire

I’m always sad to see the wounds my kids experience, but I know pain will make them stronger. Still, it’s hard to watch, and I want to rescue them. But rescuing them isn’t the answer most of the time.

What things from your childhood are you still carrying around with you?

What wounds still impact the way you behave and the decisions you make?

What do you need to reframe to understand that these wounds may have helped you?

Who have you not forgiven?

Who did you do wrong?

Who did something to you in the distant past that you need to let go of and forgive?

Who have you ghosted for years because of something they said or did? Is it serving you well or making you bitter?

Where does your anger lie?

Who are you blaming?

The hardest thing for me to do in my life has been to get on my knees and ask God to help me forgive others. I carried anger toward the mean boys for years.

Once I got so sick of being the bullied fat kid with the greasy hair, I started changing myself, remaking my image. Though I could not overcome all those years with other kids who would always consider me the way I’d been, a move to a new school and a makeover did the trick.

How silly is it to pridefully hold anger? 

We all make mistakes. We all say certain things at certain times we should not have said. 

We all have times when we are hurting.
We all have done things as immature people. 

Let go. Forgive. 

Everything can change, but it’s not up to anyone else but you. You take the first steps.

Eric Rhoads

PS: I’m grateful for all the friends and acquaintances I’ve made in my work. It’s providing me with a very meaningful and rich lifestyle.

After leaving here next Saturday, I’ll be driving back to Austin. Then I’ll be boarding a plane to Sweden, where I’ll visit the Zorn Museum and its director privately, and then I’ll be leading a group of art-loving collectors through the art of Stockholm and then Madrid. And again, I’ll be with friends, seeing old friends and making new ones. Thanks for the opportunity.

As soon as I return, I’ll be hosting potentially thousands of people on Realism Live, our online painting conference. There is room for you at www.realismlive.com.

A gentle rain drizzles upon the lake. There’s a foggy silhouette of pine trees in the distance, getting bluer and whiter the farther away they become. Close up, majestic pines surround my screen in the octagon-shaped lakefront porch, with dark lace-like branches and needles obscuring the view. Just the way I like it, nestled in and safe like a warm blanket, while the sound of droplets landing on the water tickles my ears. 

Visitors tell us our little porch is very special because it darts right out to the edge of the lake. Inside, the ornate woodwork on the peaked ceiling is something builders tell me could not be replaced today because there are few craftspeople who would know how. The diamond-paned windows were handmade, along with the house and porch, in 1894.

Doing It By Hand

I try to imagine building this house at a time when there were no power tools, sourcing logs from this boat-access-only property and carving them into a masterpiece. The house was built by some young man who was trained by his father, a master woodworker who was trained by his father. A chain of training over generations. 

Why, then, is there no one who can do what they did today? 

The modern world offers other distractions. People have more choices than to continue a family tradition of woodworking. And parents often want something different for their kids, to let them avoid the hard labor on cold and icy days or up on a roof in intense heat. Instead, their children become college-educated and chase their own passions. 

The Cycle of Life

Perhaps in the past, one generation and then the next knew hard work was part of the requirement for survival. But at some point, that changed. Each generation now tends to look ahead and hope to prevent their kids from having the hard life or difficult upbringing they had to endure. Soon, we got softer and softer, to the point where our kids didn’t experience the harsh discipline of our parents. Another generation later, there is less and less discipline, less and less carrying on of family gifts, and soon the kids are cowering in corners, not wanting to work because they believe they should be taken care of and their feelings never wounded. 

Then, once everyone is soft, the cycle perhaps reverses and kids don’t want to be lazy like their parents, so they return to the land to live off the grid, to grow their own food, build their own homes, and even refuse to use modern power tools. Suddenly what was uncool becomes romanticized. And in another 25 years, their offspring will have the skills I can’t find today, 

But I digress. 

“Do What I Did”

I’ve heard many stories of parents trying to discourage their misguided kids from pursuing a passion. Doctors want their kids to be doctors, yet the kids don’t want to repeat their parents’ life of late-night hospital calls and Thanksgiving dinners disrupted to deliver babies. They often don’t see the passion Mom or Dad found in medicine; they see only the hard stuff. 

Multi-Generational Gifts

On the other hand, in my lifetime I’ve encountered many people with multi-generational gifts. Imagine how good you can be when you learn something from your mom or dad, who learned from your grandparents and great-grandparents. The gift is perfected as each becomes better than the teacher. 

Still, so many of us look at what Mom or Dad do, and we don’t want to follow in their footsteps.

Not Sexy

That was me. My dad wanted my brothers and me to carry on in his metals business, but none of us had any interest. The more he pushed, the more we went in the opposite direction. He provided well for us, but what he did wasn’t sexy in our eyes. For me, it wasn’t as appealing as the lure of something I was interested in.

In hindsight, I did follow my father’s and grandfather’s path. Both came up with business ideas and built them. I have zero fear of starting businesses because I watched my dad start so many. I just applied the gifts he passed on to my own passions. 

How about you? What did you experience, or what are you experiencing now?

Being You

When my kids’ friends were at our house, I’d ask them what they wanted to do with their lives. One kid told me his parents were insisting he become a doctor like they are, but he wanted to become an entrepreneur. Another doesn’t want to become an engineer like his father and is only going to engineering school because his parents won’t cover college otherwise. He has a different passion and is miserable living his father’s dream instead of his own. Perhaps the parents know best, knowing that once their kids get the education and maturity they will find that they love having the same career. 

I tell them all: Follow your passion. You don’t have to do what your parents want you to do. But don’t ignore what they are offering, because they know things about it that you don’t. At least consider it. But ultimately, this is your life, not theirs.

Stuck in Chains

I also tell these young people never to stay in a career because they were forced into it. Once I interviewed a young lady and asked why she would leave a high-paying job as a lawyer for a much lower-paying editor’s job. She told me her third-generation-lawyer parents insisted she be the fourth generation. They pushed her through law school. Upon graduation she discovered she was miserable in her job and could not identify with being a lawyer. After giving it a couple of years, she became intensely depressed because she was not following her passion. So I hired her because she had the courage to follow her own path.

God has given us each a passion and a gift. It’s our responsibility to listen to our hearts and follow that passion, then develop our gifts to become the best we can be. 

Passion Isn’t Forever

But passions last a lifetime for some and a season for others. I’ve always had a passion for being an entrepreneur. I told myself I would never work on something I don’t love. My rule is that if I wake up and hate going to work more than 50 percent of the time, it’s time for a change. If I lose my passion, or become more passionate about something else, I’ll move on. 

Everyone has a gift. If you have not found it yet, you will. Others may point out your gifts because sometimes you don’t see them yourself. So listen carefully when someone offers encouragement or tells you that you seem to be really good at something. 

What do you love?

What are you really good at that you can’t get enough of?

What do you think about night and day?

If it’s good, if it’s ethical, explore it.

If you are desperately trying to find it but aren’t sure what it is, try a lot of things, including things that seem uninteresting. Volunteer, work in different jobs, take courses online even though you might tell yourself you don’t have what it takes.

You CANNOT Do This

When I first considered the thought of learning to paint, my critical mind told me I could not even draw a circle. I rejected the idea that I could someday become an artist and be proud to show my art to others. I foolishly believed that talent was a requirement. Yet I never believed good doctors or nurses were born with medical knowledge. They had to learn it, knowing it would be hard. Once I realized I did not need talent, I only needed to be taught, I started learning. It was hard. But it was always fun, and I’m happy and passionate about doing it. 

Whatever you discover that you’re passionate about…

You have what it takes. 

You can really do anything you can envision. 

You simply have to find what you love, find someone who can teach you, and override the negative voices in your head. 

Being Seasonal

There are also seasonal gifts. If you have a lifetime of experience, you can put it to use in new ways, teaching others, helping them find their gifts, or discovering entirely new things. I believe no one should live at any time without pursuing a gift and passion. I’ve never been a fan of retirement. Perhaps one day it will appeal to me, but the key to any retirement is to find something to be passionate about. Being sedentary is not a viable option. If you’re breathing, you have a purpose.

I once asked a man what he was passionate about. He told me he hated his job and could not wait to retire. I asked what his hobbies were. He had none. “What will you do when you retire?” I asked. He had no idea, but he hated work so much that he just wanted out.

Don’t let that be you.

Don’t let that be your loved ones.

Don’t waste a single day more as a slave to a job you hate. Or at least know that when you get off work each day, you’re looking forward to your passion. 

A life well lived is a life filled with passion. Find your gifts and live them.

Eric Rhoads

PS: Last week at a dinner party I showed a painting I had just finished to the woman sitting beside me. She stared, and she talked about it for a long time. Her compliments were gushing, not the typical polite words. Then she said, “I’ve gone to a paint-and-sip several times, but my paintings are awful. I know I could never do something like this.” Of course I went into my speech about how anyone can do it, all they have to do is find the right teacher, the right technique, and find time to practice. Yet I could not convince her. She was stuck on the idea that she could never do it. I promised her a lesson to prove to her that she could.

If it’s painting you don’t believe you can learn, take my free online course at www.paintbynote.com. I believe I can teach anyone to paint. Then get my video The Easiest Way in the World to Learn Painting if you want to go to a higher level. You can do this.

Or attend Realism Live this November. It’s all online, features 25+ top masters teaching, and it’s a game-changer. 

I’m chuckling to myself as I sit here baking in the summer sun. This summer we had record rain and cool temperatures, with exactly five total “sunny warm lake days.” Now that all the lake residents are gone, summer has finally arrived. The best is about to come as fall color begins to peek out of the green forests. I’m getting ready for a glorious fall. Soon I’ll experience color so vibrant it makes my eyes hurt and the crunch of leaves under my feet, the smells of apple cider and fields of pumpkins. Fall is my favorite time here in the Adirondacks.

Fresh Eyes

I love seeing things through the eyes of others, especially fresh eyes. This week I’ve had an artist visiting from Australia (Colley Whisson) who had no previous knowledge of the area, its beauty, and its unique architecture. I loved the wonder in his eyes seeing the area for the first time, as he often points out things I no longer notice. 

Things Leap Out

Any time we can walk in the perspective of others, we see things we can change or correct, and it helps us appreciate what we have. If I have a guest, I notice that I need to paint a door, fix a hinge, clean a spot on a rug that I don’t see when I look at these things every day. And all too often we take things, and people, for granted, because we’re used to them. When they are gone, we experience regrets for not enjoying our time with them to the fullest.

Sudden Fear

Last night the phone rang with a call from a family member who never calls, who is the partner of another family member. In the second before taking the call, our minds jumped to awful conclusions. Is someone sick or worse? We sunk in our seats in fear, only to find out the call was a followup on something completely unrelated. We were relieved. Then the thought crossed my mind that maybe we should be in contact more, see one another more. 

What can you and I do to live more fully, to appreciate those we love more, and to make sure we are giving them our time and attention while we can?

My dad used to remind us not to be critical of someone because “you’ve never walked in their moccasins.” What can we be doing to be more sensitive to the needs and issues others are facing, without being told? What can we do to step up and help others in these moments?

What are others trying to tell us that we’re not hearing?

Not Hearing

Recently I experienced something very personal with a family member who did not know how to share feelings, so we had no idea this person was hurting. I read the situation as weakness, immaturity, when in fact, I could not have been more wrong. Thankfully, it was discovered, so I could pay proper attention to the needs of the person. 

Now that I know … how did I not see it? 

I’m not one to live in regret; I’m one who lives with the consequences of my actions. But I do regret not being more attentive at times, not hearing when I thought I was listening, and ignoring the gnawing feeling that I needed to spend more time with someone, telling myself, “I’ll do it some other time,” only to discover later that time had run out.

Dumped and Depressed

I flash back to younger days when I had been dumped by the woman I loved, who had fallen in love with another man. I went to work every day, I saw people in social situations, but I was screaming on the inside, hoping someone would see something and ask, and give me someone to talk to. Yet no one did. I spilled a lot of tears and never experienced such heartache. I had to deal with it all alone, and it took me a long time. And I avoided relationships for years because I did not want to suffer like that ever again. It made me feel in control to avoid future pain. 

How would things have changed if someone had listened a little more carefully, looked in my eyes to see that I wasn’t fine when I said everything was OK? 

Someone in your life needs you right now, but there is a chance you’re not hearing them. Maybe they are in too much pain to ask for help, or too embarrassed. Someone needs you to see through their eyes. Maybe they’ve even said something, but you sloughed it off as whining or neediness. 

If the eyes are the window to the soul, how much are we paying attention? What are we missing that someone is hoping we’ll ask about? What do we fear from asking questions that show we deeply care? 

We can’t walk in the shoes of others, we can’t feel what they are feeling, but we can be there for them. Let’s you and I spend this week listening more carefully. Listen with your heart and your eyes. Don’t be in a hurry. Doing so may make a major difference in someone’s life.

Eric Rhoads

PS: Sometimes I feel like I need to duck every time someone sends an e-mail. Like you, I get more e-mail than I want and I become numb to it. It’s a pattern of “click and delete,” and doing it over and over.

This week I was about to delete another e-mail from someone whose name I did not recognize, assuming it was spam. But it was from a reader who shared some personal things about how Sunday Coffee has helped. This makes it all worthwhile. I can’t share details, but everyone loves to hear about the meaning they have provided. Be sure to go out of your way to share with others what they mean to you. Make a habit of doing it daily. 

It’s gonna be a busy fall. I have a big online webinar coming up soon (watch for it), then Fall Color Week (sold out), then the Fine Art Trip behind the scenes in Stockholm and Madrid (there are still a couple of seats), and then Realism Live, our online art conference with top masters. And our Japan painting trip in March is getting closer. Though it’s sold out, we’ve been working on getting more seats and we think we can probably squeeze a couple more in, so get on the waiting list. 

Live life. Don’t buy fear. Treat yourself to great things. You deserve it. 

As I walk out of my cozy waterfront cabin on a lake in the Adirondacks, the old screen door slams behind me. It’s a sound that brings back memories from childhood. Entering the kitchen, the smell of coffee brewing seduces me to pour a cup of my own. I then walk across the creaky wooden floors to the old screened-in octagon-shaped porch overlooking the water and plop myself down in the same wicker chair as generations before me. 

There is little as soothing as the water, the movement of pine forests swaying in the distance, and the occasional canoe passing by. It’s where I sit in the mornings to follow my morning routine, and where we sit in the evenings to catch up on one another’s day. 

Farewell to Summer

Summer, here on the lake, ends tomorrow, when most residents return home. Overnight, things will get silent and a boat will be a rare sight for the few remaining stragglers who stay on to experience the fall colors, which are beyond spectacular. Our final event will be a gathering of lake residents to hand out sailing trophies and say farewell till next year. 

Pretending

People post about all the things they are doing, the places they are experiencing or visiting, often making us wish our life was like theirs. But it’s a game, not reality. Other than an occasional family or pet death, social media provides only a glimpse, just the things we want people to know. Few offer a look at the harder aspects of life, and experts say depression is often driven by the perfection that others appear to be living.  

Each day offers something that can throw us off our game, rock our world, and create disappointment and fears. How we manage those things determines our level of happiness. If we allow worry and fear to consume us, we make life harder. 

Wise Words

Emerson said this: “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety. Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”

Look back just one year. What consumed you? Is that problem still consuming you? It could be, if it’s fighting a long-term illness. But are you still worried about the things you were obsessed with then? Did the worst happen? Did you survive it? Or was it less terrible than you anticipated?

The World Is Falling Apart

Recently I was talking to a person who is seriously uptight about the world today and how things are so much worse than they should be, thinking that our country is falling apart. Though I can certainly understand the perspective based on some things in the media, I recently ran across an e-mail from the same person 10 years ago, saying the same things. None of the things he mentioned as being the end of the world actually happened. I reminded him of this and his response was, “It’s different this time.” I realized he might be looking for problems.

Feeding the Worry Beast

Where we spend our time impacts our state of mind. If I watch the news or spend too much time on some kinds of social media, I can easily get worked up. So I bury my head in the sand and don’t ever watch news on TV. And I’ve deleted most of my negative friends who use social media to get others worked up. I consider it a form of protection, to keep my head in a good place. And if I can’t change things, why worry?

I’ve found that if you stay in the present, and acknowledge your feelings without judgment, you can become resilient against worry. And if something is bothering me more than normal, I know my tendency is to overthink it. By staying in the present, I tend not to get absorbed by “what if?” scenarios.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

The other day someone was sharing some worry with me, and I started fact-checking: “Is this true?” We all tend to tell ourselves stories. Ask yourself how true your concerns are and if there is evidence to back them up. We tend to start with the thing that is happening and move on to “If x continues, y will happen.” But that’s rarely the case, so be careful about projecting. 

I like to ask, “Will this matter next week? Or in six months, or six years?” In most cases, I find myself putting off my worries.  

Big Reasons to Worry

I’m not entirely worry-free. There have been moments I thought I would lose my business and go bankrupt. And I ruminated on the “what if?” scenarios, curled up into a fetal position with worry, and became useless. My nerves were raw. The non-emotional side of me told myself that I would make the problem bigger if I lay in bed worrying, and that action and clear thinking were what I needed. So I went to my studio, painted for an hour, my stress melted, and then I was able to snap back to being more normal. I also find that if I’m stressed, a workout will shift me from worry to confidence. 

You Need Eight No Matter What

The worst thing is losing sleep, lying in bed and worrying, because sleep is what we need to operate optimally. So I’ll get up, make a list of everything on my mind, then go down the list one at a time and say, “Can I do anything about this tonight, right now?” If I can’t, I skip over it, or if I can, I’ll fire off an e-mail or whatever I can do. This gives me peace and allows me to sleep.

A Life of Waste

I look back on the days when I used to worry and realize that I caused myself unnecessary stress, probably knocking years off my life. And none of it was necessary. 

I’m not sure if it’s time and perspective that reduce my worry, but my attitude today is that I turn all my worry over to God and know that whatever happens, we will get through it. Over time, most things I could worry about, I realized I’ve faced. As a kid I’d worry that I’d lose my dad, yet all of that was wasted energy. I had my dad till he was 94. Though I never looked forward to losing Dad and Mom, I got through it. I’ve watched my son almost not survive multiple cardiac arrests, probably the worst moment of my life. I was seriously bothered, worried, but calmly got through it. I’ve lost employees I never thought we could survive without, but we survived. I’ve had businesses fail. I’ve lost my biggest accounts. I’ve lost love. I even crashed an airplane. In the end, I’ve realized we can get through anything. So why worry?

Are you worried now?

Is there anything you can change now?
Any action you should take to change the outcome?

If not, turn it over to God and give yourself the peace you deserve. You’ll get through it.

Eric Rhoads

PS: The other day I went to a cocktail party where I met multiple strangers. When introduced to one, she said, “I love your Sunday Coffee.” This was a person I would never expect to have been exposed to it, which shows the power of forwarding things that you think will speak to others. I don’t know where this stranger got it, but thank you, whoever you are. I stopped keeping track of numbers of subscribers years ago because I don’t want to get hung up on performing for growth. I don’t ever want to be influenced by my ego (which isn’t easy). But it warms my heart to know that something meant enough to you that you decided to share it. 

PS 2: In just under a month I’ll be gathering with 100 artists at my Fall Color Week painters retreat in the Adirondacks. I’ll then drive back to Texas (dogs can’t fly) and then head out for three weeks in Europe, leading our annual art lovers’ trip in Stockholm and Madrid and then taking a week off to play. (There are still a couple of seats at www.finearttrip.com.) Then I return just in time for one of our biggest and most successful online art training events, Realism Live, where we teach all subjects and styles. It’s a must for anyone who wants to paint real things (not abstract). Hope to see you there (www.realismlive.com). 

PS 3: Thanks for all the birthday greetings on social media (@ericrhoads). And I hope you enjoy what’s left of Labor Day Weekend. A final thought. Time travel is real. It seems like just yesterday we were in a new year. You can still crush your 2023 4th quarter if you push hard now. Sometimes you can make 50% or more sales for Christmas. Start planning now, and start working on your 2023 plan so you have ample time to build and implement it.