I feel the gift of nature, the feeling of being alive as I stare out over the fields covered with dew, the distant blue mountain, and the rays of light beaming through the twisted old oaks that fill the rough grass with shadows. Nature, somehow, feels more alive this morning, as I realize I’m in a mode of praise when I could have been grieving.

If you read about last week’s worst day ever, you may not know that after 10 sleepless nights in two different hospitals, my son walked out as a miracle, surviving what most never survive.

Groundhog Day

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray wakes up each day and repeats the exact same day, over and over. It’s comical, but also somehow profound.

Our son was living his own Groundhog Day, and we were not sure it would disappear. When the brain is shocked or given massive amounts of sedatives or amnesia-causing drugs, inflammation causes short-term memory loss.

Short-Term Memory Loss

For four days after my son’s heart attack, while he was perfectly conscious and seemed normal otherwise, we would tell him what he experienced. “Your heart stopped. They revived you. You were clinically dead,” we would say. Each time, he would say, “I was?” In fact, we did this probably 50 times in one day, and not once did he remember it, or anything else from that day. 

We brought some DVDs of his favorite TV shows (I’ve suddenly become a fan of The Simpsons), and he would watch the same episode over and over, not realizing he had watched it three hours before. Professionals told us his brain would return to normal in days or possibly weeks. But it was frightening during the days when he remembered nothing.

Our other Groundhog Day was life in the hospital. Though the hospital we were in is one of the best children’s hospitals in the world, with THE best cardiology and electrophysiology team in the world, the experience was, one day after another, a lot of waiting. A lot of the same routine as the day before.

Rushing to Wait

We arrived on Tuesday after my son was transferred, and by Sunday, five days later, he had had only one of the many tests he was supposed to have. It took two days just to do a CT scan. And we were told he needed and would have an MRI “right away,” but right away never came. First it would be Wednesday, then Thursday, then we were told the machine broke on Friday, and then we were told it would be Monday. Finally, it happened.

Though there had been tremendous value in their monitoring my son’s heart for a few days, a chance to see some other rhythm incidents, we were just parked in a room as he was cared for by very wonderful professionals — nurses, doctors, cardiologists, and others. But just sitting each day. Yes, we got daily visits for five minutes from the doctors, and regular drop-ins and care from nurses. But why could they not have done all the tests the first day or two? Looking for answers starts with the tests. Of course, the nurses and doctors have no answers for that. It’s not up to them.

Sudden Change

What would happen if the CEO of the hospital chain had experienced what we experienced? My guess is that every test would have been done the first day, the procedures done the second or third day, and the patient would be out the door. The problem is that too many CEOs of too many businesses don’t understand what their customers have to go through. If they did, things would change.

My guess is that I’ll get a survey in the mail, and my guess is that what I say will be the same thing hundreds of others have said, and nothing will change. And it crossed my mind that this could be a strategy to “sell” more room nights. I can’t imagine the size of our bill after 10 days.

Deeply Grateful No Matter What

Please keep in mind, I’m grateful. We would be thrilled to spend months on the cold blue vinyl couch if it meant saving our child. But it was frustrating, and I’m intentionally not mentioning the name of the hospital because I don’t want them to think we are anything but grateful.

But whether we’re talking about family, running a business, or doing anything in life, it’s critical that we see the world through the eyes of the people we’re in those relationships with. We all need to listen more. We all need to understand the needs of the other.

Each of us approaches our life with a built-in bias that tells us how we think things should be done, but most of us are wrong. It’s why friendships and relationships end, it’s why businesses fail. It’s why some hospitals still do things the way they were done decades before.

Two-to-One Ratio

My old friend David Gifford (Happy Birthday, Dave!) a wonderfully accomplished sales trainer, used to say, “God gave us two ears and one mouth. Listen two-thirds of the time and only talk one-third of the time.” Great advice for life. We’re all eager to speak, but we learn more when we listen.

Silence Is Golden

My dear old friend Steve Rivers used to sit and listen and never talk. He might nod, but usually it was a blank stare. It was very intimidating, and when he didn’t talk, you would ramble on and say more and more. He told me later, before he died, it was his secret weapon for success and the best technique he ever learned: Shut up and listen, and people will tell you everything you need to know. In those uncomfortable moments of silence when people were waiting for a response, he would look people in the eye and say nothing. So we would ramble on. He did not have the need to speak, just the need to listen. Listening is where you’ll find the answers.

Are you listening?

I have to admit, I’ve been a bad listener. Too many times I’m barking out instructions and directions instead of listening for answers. I’m trying to learn not to have to be the smartest guy in the room, and to become a better listener.

I’ve also learned that when you’re around someone with all the answers, you tend to clam up and say nothing, even if something needs to be said. No one wants to feel like a fool. I’m sometimes that way with others, but didn’t realize others were that way with me. So I decided to change.

What if we all listened more? My guess is that everything would change.

More Real Feedback

Recently I asked my team to talk to our customers more, saying each should talk to a couple every week. That goes for me, too. It’s easy for me because I’m always talking to people. But I need to do more of it, not only with my customers, but starting at home with my wife and my kids. I think they would talk more if I talked less and didn’t dominate the conversation so much. 

Tell Me More

There is an old technique I learned in a class one time. We were told to go to lunch, engage a waitress in conversation, and after the first question, just say, “Uh-huh, tell me more” (and find different ways to say it), and see how long we could keep them talking. I was amazed at how much I learned from my waitress. People love to talk about themselves.

I tell my kids, when on job interviews, to ask questions. Ask for advice from others. Again, people love to talk about themselves, and when we listen more than we talk, we can deliver a better relationship or customer experience. I wish I had known that at 17. 

Try it today. Ask questions, then listen. Don’t be in a hurry to comment or give your opinion. See how long you can keep it going without speaking other than “Uh-huh” or “Really? Tell me more.”  I think you’ll find it will open doors and help you in new ways.

Listening is the key to all great relationships. And life is about relationships. Let’s listen more.

Eric Rhoads

PS: I’m heartened by all the messages this past week about my son. Thank you all for the thoughts, good wishes, and prayers. We received hundreds of e-mails, comments, text messages, phone calls, and an outpouring of love and concern. Friends brought food to the house for the other two kids so Laurie and I could concentrate on Brady. 

Brady has made a full recovery. They discovered some abnormal heart rhythms that were causing his issues, so they were able to remove those electrical pulses in surgery and placed a defibrillator in his chest as a backup. We can all breathe easier. We returned home on Wednesday and life went back to normal. Laurie and I feel as though we experienced PTSD, and we’ve been absolutely exhausted, catching up on our sleep.

We are extremely grateful for all the good wishes and prayers, and we know that Brady is a walking miracle. First, because he was in a public place when this happened. Had he been home or at school, he probably would have not been revived because a defibrillator was necessary. Second, because when EMS could not revive him, a doctor who, unusually, happened to ride along that night was able to bring him back. Third, we later learned a harsh, gruff doctor at the first hospital wanted to send Brady home because he was convinced he had done drugs (he had not). Thankfully, a young cardiologist named Jason fought to send him to the children’s hospital, where they discovered this defect in his heart. That doctor’s bias, had Brady been sent home, probably would have resulted in his not surviving another heart attack. 

PS2: Hundreds have told me they are taking CPR classes as a result of last week’s Sunday Coffee, and many have bought defibrillators for their homes, businesses, and schools. We met a young man who had the same issue as Brady, who coached him on life with a defibrillator. This young man convinced the state of Texas to make a law to put a defibrillator in every school in Texas. We need to make this a federal law for all schools, all malls, all public places, and honestly, it should be in every home and business. I bought one this week for our home. 

PS3: I’m very excited about my upcoming Plein Air Convention this May in Denver. It’s our best speaker-teacher lineup yet, with some of the best artists in the world. If this plein air thing is something you want to explore, this is the best possible place to experience it, but we don’t have a lot of seats left (this is our biggest ever). Last I checked there were 94 left (unusual to have so few seats left this early), and you can save $500 off the price by booking before February 14, Valentine’s Day, which will be here soon. And right before the convention, we have a rare Scott Christensen workshop, a great Thomas Schaller watercolor workshop, and a Plein Air Basics Course for beginners.

PS4: I should also mention that my event in the Adirondacks, where we paint for a week (no training), is almost sold out. I think we have 15 seats left. This is the 10-year anniversary, and I’m planning some new and different things for this year only. And my Fall Color Week painting retreat for September in the White Mountains will be sold out before we know it too.

PS5: You may have heard me say I’m going to spend three weeks in China on a seven-city speaking tour, speaking at the top universities teaching art and meeting with top art leaders and artists in China, as well as attending two massive plein air events there, all while filming three documentaries. You’ll be pleased to know that I’m not going until the coronavirus has been eradicated. I will, however, be heading to Russia soon to film an art instruction video with the top Russian artist in St. Petersburg, and to shoot some documentary footage for two films I’m producing. Like Russia or not politically, they have the two best art schools in the world, and saved realism when other countries had moved into modernism. I’m also working on planning for a painting trip to Russia in September 2021, a rare chance to paint in the exact spots painted by Repin, Levitan, Shiskin, and others, including small Russian villages with livestock in the streets and women wearing babushkas and carrying water to their charming little dachas. It will include visits to the top museums and tourist attractions in Saint Petersburg, and hopefully meetings with my friend who is the director of the Hermitage, along with visits to the best art schools in the world. We will be accompanied by some of the leading Russian artists, who will work with anyone wanting some help. I’m only able to take 50 people, and if you have interest (with no obligation), send an e-mail and simply say, “Yes, I am interested in Russia.”

Awakened from my sleep this morning by the sounds of beeping heart monitors, loud alarms, frequent interruptions by nurses, the bright fluorescent lights, and the chatty nurses’ station nearby. The hospital is no place to rest. This morning is our sixth day here.

This morning I’m going to recount what I think was the biggest horror my wife and I have ever experienced. 

Dinner Interrupted

On Monday at 7:30, while we were having dinner, the phone rang. Since I did not recognize the number, I almost didn’t answer. I assumed it was another unwanted telemarketing call, but for some reason I answered. The voice on the other end said, “This is Brady’s friend John. Brady has had a seizure, what should I do?” I immediately told him to call 911 and tell me where they were. 

Within moments Laurie and I were en route to the bingo hall where they had been playing. Minutes later, we reached this boy’s mom on the phone; she was close by and got there before we could. 

Play-By-Play

On her speaker phone, she’s doing play-by-play, with perfect calm. We could hear things going on in the background: “He isn’t breathing, he has no pulse. The CPR isn’t working.”

Our son was clinically dead.

As EMS arrived, they too tried to revive him, with no luck. One EMS professional is on the phone to us explaining what they are doing, asking us medical history questions and asking us to rush there. Of course, our emotions are running high, we’re trying to drive, listen, and cope with the fact that our teenage son is dying.

Suddenly the EMS officer says, “They have a pulse.” The most beautiful words I’ve ever heard in my life.

Laurie and I are driving as fast as we can to get there, to see him, let him know we love him, and prepared in an instant to say our final goodbye. We are in shock, and can hardly believe it. 

Change of Plans

“Meet us at the hospital, don’t come here. We’re on our way,” says the voice on the phone. Quickly we change direction and arrive at the emergency room, but there is no ambulance — and it should have been there before us. Ten minutes go by, still no ambulance. We’re thinking the worst.

Minds Playing Tricks

Then suddenly an ambulance appears, but it’s driving slowly, with no lights or siren. We look at each other in disbelief. Had he died along the way? Does that explain why they are no longer rushing? We’re sure this is the case, because what are the odds another ambulance would appear when one is supposed to be coming? Our minds are playing terrible tricks on us. We assume he is inside and they have done all they can. We’re watching the doors slowly open, and thankfully, as the doors open, there is a woman on a stretcher whom they were transporting. We both breathe a sigh of relief as we hold each other.

Moments later we hear sirens and see flashing red and blue lights. The ambulance rushes in and we run to the entrance to be there with our son. We see his limp body on the gurney. His face is covered with a mask and he is hooked up to all kinds of wires.

A Lucky Day

As they pull him out, they tell us he is alive. They had trouble reviving him. He was in critical condition and could not breathe on his own. The EMS officer approaches us and says, “Your son is very lucky,” of all things. “One of the doctors was riding with us tonight. If he had not been there, he may not have made it. We couldn’t revive him on our own.”

Helplessly Watching

We watch helplessly in the ER, between our tears and fears. Our son’s body is convulsing and shaking. “Just the meds we gave him, we assure you.”

But we have to get him stabilized. At that point we, and they, don’t know what is going on, what the problem is. All we know is that he collapsed and his heart stopped. 

Our 17-year-old baby has a dozen or more people tending to him, putting in tubes and wires, meds and fluids. We watch helplessly for two more hours. The only calls are to some friends for support, and to his siblings who rushed to visit, in case it’s our last chance to tell him we love him.

Hours with No Answers

For two hours, we don’t know if he is going to live. Then once he is moved out of the ER into intensive care, we watch for three or four more hours, waiting for him to stabilize. Finally, we’re told he is breathing on his own again, but the respirator is there to supplement and help in case he stops. 

Toxicology reports show no drugs were involved. A CT scan shows no brain damage from when his heart wasn’t pumping and no head damage from the fall. “We think he is going to be OK,” says the doctor. “He is showing signs of improvement.” The words we needed to hear.

A Small Nod and Big Hope

At his side, holding his hand, kissing his cheek and talking to him, we want him to know we are there, but there is no response. Finally, hours later, a nod of acknowledgement is the hope the doctor was looking for. It’s another 12 hours before he opens his eyes.

Hours later, the ventilator is no longer needed and the tubes are removed. Soon the sedation begins to wear off and we have some signs — brief open eyes and a word or two. 

Hours pass, and we don’t know if it’s day or night, but we look and see it’s 3 p.m. the following day. We still don’t have our son fully back, yet each hour that passes, we see improvement. 

Doctors now think our son had a cardiac event, something that rarely happens to a teen. They study his heart and decide to transfer him to Dell Children’s ICU, where the cardiologists and electrophysiologists can study him more. 

Amnesia

Over several days he is being monitored, probed, and tested. He is awake, alert, and bored, but he has no short-term memory. We’re assured it will return, it’s from brain inflammation as a result of the shock to revive him and the amnesia drugs used when intubating him. He cannot remember anything told to him for more than about 10 minutes. We started the week with him wondering why we were in his room, as his brain gradually came back. Though we will still experience this short-term memory problem for a few more days, maybe weeks, we’ve seen a vast improvement. 

Learning About Ourselves

A moment like this is one no parent ever wants to experience. But also a time we learn lessons about ourselves. For instance, our ability to make hard decisions even as we were surrounded by devastating grief. Both of us were thinking surprisingly clearly in spite of being so emotional. We also learned how much we can do without sleep if we have to. I think we were both awake for over a day and a half before being comfortable enough to sleep. We had to know he was stable and out of danger. 

Of course, parenting doesn’t stop. We not only had to deal with this tragedy, but the fears of our two other kids. They were dealing with their anxiety and emotions and we had to be there for them and help them through it. In short, we had to be at our best during the worst experience of either of our lives.

The Moment We’re Never Prepared For

All of our parenting, our training in business, and our ability to manage our emotions comes together in one moment of parenting where the best and worst are displayed at once. It’s our purpose. Though it’s not what we hope for, it’s what we’re there for. It’s a time to step up, to wake up, and to take control.

Showing Appreciation

The last time I saw my son before the incident, I dropped him off at his friend’s, said goodbye. No hug, no kiss, not realizing in that moment that it may have been the last moment I saw him alive. Seeing him lying in the bed all wired up, looking at his strong teen hands, I realized that I needed to hold them every minute I could, knowing I might never get another chance. Our kids, our loved ones, are treasures we take for granted. They are precious jewels, and we need to treat them as the precious cargo they are at every encounter. We need to show appreciation and make sure every encounter is one we’ll be proud of.

In Bigger Hands

As my mind wandered into the worst case scenario, I felt peace knowing the outcome for my son was in God’s hands. Though we prayed like crazy, there was a peace, knowing we had to trust His will. Not an easy thought, but a peaceful one. There is only so much control we as humans can have.

A Second Chance

During all our waiting, I flashed through the memories of my son’s life, our good and bad encounters, some I wished I could undo. Though I can’t change our past, I can change our future in the second chance we’ve been given. And hopefully I take no one for granted and embrace every moment, knowing any of us could be gone in a split second.

Saving Future Lives

Had my son collapsed in his room playing video games, he would not have survived. Thankfully, a crowded bingo hall had one CPR-trained person. I owe my son’s life to that person. That person could be you next time. And if your family is trained, they could be saving you or me.

If we could do one good thing from all of this, it would be to ask you to learn CPR. And if you know it but have not trained in the last five years, everything is different now. I’m told that proper CPR made a huge difference in my son’s survival. 

Twenty-five years ago I required everyone in my company to take CPR classes. I had a CPR trainer come to our office and train all of my employees. That night on the way home, Jim, our art director, saw an accident and gave CPR to the driver, saving his life. The very same day. Any day before that he would not have known what to do.

Your Next Purchase

This is a story I’m uncomfortable sharing because it’s very personal, but I hope it may wake you and me up to appreciate our loved ones more, learn CPR, and to get a defibrillator for our homes or offices. Turns out a defibrillator awoke my son’s heart when CPR alone would not. Yes, they are expensive, but human life is worth more. Buy one. You’ll never regret it. I’ve learned that some heart attacks cannot be resolved by CPR alone, but only by a defibrillator.

Grateful

I’m not only grateful for the prayers, but for the dozens of people who saved my son’s life and who worked with us over the past week. There is surgery and at least another few days of hospital time ahead. I’m also grateful for all the prayers from people around the globe, and for all the people showing support and offering to help. I’ve not been able to work for a week, and because of my vacation and time at a workshop, I’ve not worked for a month. I’m grateful for the amazing team that has kept the trains running on time. Thank you to everyone for the good wishes.

Hug your family, and keep us in your prayers.

Eric Rhoads

Scratchy wool socks and a worn old sweatshirt don’t seem to be enough to warm my chilled body this morning. We had a temperature drop from our unseasonably warm winter last night as clouds billowed through the sky at the speed of a freight train bringing carloads of cold as its cargo. Yet tradition is a must, and unless it’s unbearably cold or hot, writing you from this long old covered porch overlooking the 40 acres behind me is my one superstition. Coffee and thoughts are always better here, in the secure comfort of my special spot on the squeaky wicker couch.

Walking Under Ladders

Superstitions are kind of weird to me. Yet, though I put my trust in God, I still think twice before walking under a ladder or opening an umbrella indoors. It seems powerfully odd to me that a well educated, perfectly intelligent being like you or me would think these old wives’ tales have some power to change our lives. 

Telling Your Fortune

I feel the same way about horoscopes. Things come true — not because some writer at a newspaper somewhere sees it in the stars, but because the power of suggestion makes things happen. A horoscope predicts nothing, yet they make us look for those things to happen. I refuse to read horoscopes, even for entertainment, because suggestion is so powerful. (Plus, I don’t need to meet a dark handsome stranger.)

Your Future Is Bright

Our minds are so powerful that carefully implanted suggestions can control us. Recently, I was reading a book about sales that revealed a technique called “future pacing,” where you make a suggestion early on about something that is going to occur in someone’s future, and then, later on in the process, it becomes their idea. I for one don’t want anything so badly that I have to manipulate someone into buying something with some subtle technique.

Credible Leaders

Suggestion happens in our lives, no matter how much we think we have control over ourselves. It starts with how strong the credibility is of the person suggesting something. If I trust someone, respect them, and think they have lots of answers, I’m more likely to listen to their suggestion and make it happen.

Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid™

Suggestion can be used for evil or for good. Though hypnotists say you cannot be controlled and won’t do anything you don’t want to do, I suppose I’d say that too if I were trying to make a group of people feel comfortable with what was about to happen to them. Of course we’ve seen historical examples of mass hypnosis, such as the tragedy of Jim Jones’s followers and their mass suicide. 

Walking on Fire

On the good side, someone implanting positive ideas, perhaps helping you overcome years of bad behavior, can be a benefit. Tony Robbins comes to mind. I was reluctant to attend one of his events because I didn’t want a dose of positive thinking alone. Convinced by a friend, I went anyway, and as a result overcame some things in my head that were controlling me. Now I recommend him. I’ve watched Robbins change people’s stories in about 10 minutes, unsticking them from stories that had controlled them all their lives.

Overcoming Bad Habits

We need suggestion. We need guidance. And usually we don’t know we need it. For instance, I just returned from a weeklong painting workshop with David Leffel and Sherrie McGraw, two amazing master painters. I knew they could teach me something, but I had no idea that they would implant new concepts into my brain that overcame years of bad habits. Interestingly enough, their teaching technique, which I was initially bothered by, turned out to be the best possible thing for me. They made me struggle before showing me how to fix things, so when the fix was revealed, I understood it more deeply. The result was a shift of thinking, helping me let go of things I thought I was doing right. And I fought it, I didn’t want to let go — yet with their leadership and suggestions, I embraced what I originally resisted.

There are four stages of awareness:

Unconscious Incompetence: This means you are unaware of your lack of skill and proficiency. For instance, maybe you’re a terrible driver and totally unaware of it.

Conscious Incompetence: You are aware of your lack of skill, yet still don’t become proficient. You know you’re a bad driver, but you keep being a bad driver.

Conscious Competence: You are able to use a skill, but it takes a lot of effort. You’re now a good driver, but you have to think about it at every step to make sure you’re driving well.

Unconscious Competence: Performing the skill becomes automatic. You’re now a good driver and you don’t have to think about it.

Many of us spend the better parts of our lives in a state of unconscious incompetence. We’re unaware of our shortcomings. Yet the goal is to become aware and make the necessary changes to go through the stages. First, find out you have a problem, then work to fix it. Practice it, even if it’s uncomfortable, and then master it.

In the workshop I went from Unconscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence. And if I keep practicing, maybe I’ll get to the level of taking the principles I learned into every painting I do until I can do it in my sleep.

Live Aware

Rather than living my life unaware of my shortcomings, I want to know I have them. I want to become aware, and then fix them to the point that they are no longer problems. This is why I am continually suggesting people push themselves out of their comfort zone to learn new things. The result is learning about yourself. It’s also why, in spite of being a fairly busy guy, I took a week out of my year and away from my business to improve, and it’s why I created things like the Plein Air Convention and the Figurative Art Convention so people can be exposed to things they don’t know. 

Have you ever heard someone boasting about something, and you’re internally shaking your head and thinking, “They have no idea how wrong they are.” That’s because you’re consciously competent and they are unconsciously incompetent.

That’s why suggestion is so powerful. We turn to others to give us guidance and direction, hoping they can offer something that will change our lives. Sometimes we turn to evil not knowing it’s evil, and sometimes we turn to something with the hope that it’s good.

The Power of Discomfort

The best thing we can do with our lives is to get uncomfortable, and to spend our lives staying uncomfortable. I was really intimidated the first time I went to Russia. I was afraid because of things I’d heard or seen in movies and on the news, yet I did it anyway, and it opened doors to a whole new understanding of art, the world, and so much more. It resulted in new lifelong friendships, and exposure to things I’d never otherwise have seen.

You don’t know what you don’t know. But you have to know there are so many things you don’t know that could be life-altering for you. The key is to try things that make you nervous, and things that take you out of your comfort zone. It’s amazingly freeing, and it will truly enrich your life.

Stop Being Stuck

We all get stuck, but we are unconsciously stuck. I’m stuck in areas where I don’t know I’m stuck. I go online and buy random courses I have no interest in and knew nothing about, and I watch them on the treadmill in the morning. I also listen to random podcasts, and I find myself learning things I didn’t know I needed to know.

Be random. Try new things.

Be adventurous. Try things that make you uncomfortable.

A life of adventure awaits those who embrace discomfort.

Eric Rhoads

PS: I’m putting myself way out of my comfort zone this year, working on projects I never believed could happen. I’m making my first trip to China, on a seven-city speaking tour, meeting with top artists, visiting top art schools, and doing a little painting along the way. I’m excited but also intimidated. Yet I’m sure I’ll be more worldly as a result, and I’ll meet some amazing new friends. 

In the interest of awareness, I should let you know that our May Plein Air Convention & Expo is the biggest and most popular ever. We’re almost out of seats already — I think when I last looked we had 125 seats left, which is not very many. (Last year at this time we had 300 seats left.) I met some people this week who said, “I want to go, but I don’t think I’m good enough.” Please know that we all embrace new painters because we were all new at one time. We have people who will work with you, and you can sign up for our pre-convention Basics Course, headed by Carrie Curran and several instructors who will walk you through everything you need to know to join the plein air movement. Get out of your comfort zone, put the ego aside, and do something for yourself.

It’s ironic. We spent two weeks to get sun and warmth, but instead got clouds and rain. Today, waking up in Austin, the sun is shining, the temperature is warm, and the glow of golden light greets my morning, putting a big smile on my face.

Last week during the storms, the rain, the dark clouds, and the high winds, everyone was hunkered down, staying inside as much as possible, trying to stay warm and dry. Yet as I looked at the sky from inside, I noticed some giant birds were taking advantage of the high thermal winds, frolicking about like surfers who had found high waves. 

Instead of hiding out in a tree, they were soaring more than ever, taking advantage of what the rest of us thought were bad conditions. I could have watched them for hours.

A Call for Help

Last week I received a message on social media from a man who said he’s been watching me for years. He runs a business and asked me for some time so I could offer him some advice. According to him, “I’m amazed at how much you get done and want to know how you do it.” I’ll tell him it’s about growing your wings.

A Mega Yacht

Last week I had the pleasure of being invited to take a ride on a mega yacht owned by one of the wealthiest men in America. We got to know him because his yacht was docked across from the houseboat we were staying on, which he also owned. 

Know Thyself

It’s easy to be impressed in a situation like that. Riding on a multimillion-dollar yacht, hearing about his racehorses, his classic sports car collection, his dozens of businesses, some of which are household names, and his jets. It’s also easy to allow yourself to feel small and insignificant for not having accomplished that level of wealth. This man had unbelievable financial success, but did he have wings?

Chasing Wealth

When I was a young business guy, it was great wealth that I wanted. Our society has drilled that into our heads: Success is stuff. Lots of expensive stuff. And I spent years chasing stuff and finding there was never enough; someone else always had more. In comparison to this guy, I could maybe have afforded one chair on his boat. Nothing more. 

But that is a dead end game for me. Maybe some people are cut out for it, but it was not until I let go of it that I started to feel my body lift off the ground. It’s when I started to grow my wings. The more I let go, the more I lifted off. 

The Magic of Purpose

Wings grow from purpose. And when you grow wings, you begin to lift off. The more purpose you get, the more good you do, the more you reveal your true heart, the higher you will soar.

It’s like the more you give, the more you get. For instance, there is a principle called tithing, meaning giving a percentage of what you earn to do good things. It can also be a percentage of your time. And the more you give, the more you end up getting.

You see, wings are about letting go. We tend to cling tightly to things, to money, to what we have … yet the minute we start letting go of those things, we start to soar. 

You won’t find this in business books or books about success, yet it is one of the greatest principles of success. 

Purity of Heart

Of course, some try to game the system … meaning they give more just to get more. But that lacks purity of intention, and when it occurs, they will get some lift, but they won’t soar. When your heart is right, when you’re doing things for a grand purpose and making it all about others, your wings will take you to play in the winds overhead.

Chasing Generosity

Once I let go of the foolish idea of chasing wealth for the sake of wealth, and instead chased generosity and the idea that my life needs to be devoted to helping others, the skies opened up, the wings came out, and I’ve been able to soar to do more.

That should be a slogan … Soar to do more.

Goodbye, Self

When we let go of self, when we stop worrying about ourselves and start doing more for others, we’ll be dripping with reward. Your heart will be the happiest it’s ever been — but it can also lead to financial reward if your intent is pure.

Soar More

Last week I talked about happiness and never letting things or others define what makes you happy. But if you can engage others in your life in your bigger mission, you’ll soar more, and you’ll help them soar. For instance, my employees have a bigger purpose knowing that we take 10 percent of our company earnings every year to build a house for the homeless shelter in my town. We’ve built several now, and it changes lives. 

Getting Lift

True encouragement will also give you lift. Surround yourself with people who believe in you even when you have doubts about yourself — people who truly can be the wind beneath your wings. We all need that. We can fly without it, but it’s better when you can share it with others who believe in you.

When you grow wings, some will want to help you grow them bigger and help you soar higher, but others will want to cut them off or weigh you down. You have to be willing to embrace those who encourage you and ignore those who want to see you fall. 

“Go to the edge of the cliff and jump off. Build your wings on the way down.” — Ray Bradbury

Don’t Wait for Perfection

People want to make things perfect before they take a leap, but perfection does not exist. Tiny efforts lead to bigger wings. Find something you can do that will use your dreams to help others, or just jump in and volunteer somewhere. It’s also one of the best ways to overcome depression. You get a rush of dopamine when helping others and when you stop being selfish.

I believe we all have wings, and they will come at the right time. But you can’t wait for them. They are waiting for you.

“Wings are freedom only when they are wide open in flight. On one’s back they are a heavy weight.” —- Marina Tsvetaeva

The Death of Self

If I could do just one thing for my kids to secure their future, it would be to help them understand that selfishness is the road to ruin. Selfish may get you great wealth, but if you want a fulfilling life, it’s about being selfless. The death of self is the beginning of life. It’s taken me decades to learn that and get my own wings.

It’s not about how much I can do, it’s that when I have wind under my wings, and I see that others are benefiting, I cannot do enough. You’ll also find that to be true.

Imagination 

Stop being self-focused or career-focused and instead use your imagination to discover how you can leverage your skills and career to help others. Then, and only then, will you truly get your wings.

I wish I had discovered this decades ago. Looking back, others tried to tell me, but I thought I knew better. Still, that resulted in me spending my life learning powerful lessons that made me ready to receive my wings when it was time. 

“The man who has no imagination has no wings.”  — Muhammad Ali

What about you?

Have you grown your wings?

Are you focused on generosity?

Can you soar more?

When you have wings, all your aches and pains and problems become secondary. 

Go soar.

Eric Rhoads

PS: Last week, I received three different e-mails from people who said, “I feel like you wrote this especially for me.” This happens to Laurie and I a lot at church — we feel like the sermon was just for us to hear. Though these Coffees are just life lessons, not sermons, if you know someone you think would enjoy it, or maybe someone struggling to get some wind under their wings, maybe you could pass this along and they will subscribe for free. And if you’re not a subscriber, I hope you’ll consider it.

Today I’m getting on an airplane, but not for business for a change. I’m treating myself to a one-week workshop in painting from masters David Leffel and Sherrie McGraw in Scottsdale. One of my personal deliverables for 2020 is to be a better painter, which excites me, so I’m launching my year with this in mind. Yes, it’s selfish, but it will help me soar in other areas of my life. I’m also signed up to study with another artist later in the year.

Fierce winds are blowing, flags are flapping, palm branches are bending, and the boat is rocking back and forth beyond a gentle pace, yet not too uncomfortably. 

A thick layer of gray-blue clouds covers the big sky, and in the distance rows of condos are lined up on the beach like soup cans in the pantry. Boats of all kinds surround me, including mega yachts owned by celebrities, though we’ve had no celebrity sightings. We’re here in North Palm Beach, living through the holiday break in a marina, aboard a boat. 

Grateful for the Break

I’m feeling very grateful to be here in warm weather, even on a blustery and windy day, able to sit in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, having time in close quarters with our kids, being able to reconnect with other family, and getting extra time with each of them. As I said last week, I’m doing a lot of listening and a lot of thinking about life and happiness.

No doubt we all want to be happy, but too often we look to others or to things or events to make us happy. Let me give you some examples…

• If I get that promotion and more money, I’ll be happier.
• If I just get a new car, I’ll be happier.
• If I just get a bigger house…
• If I get better vacations…
• If I get all this stress off my back…
• If I meet someone new….
• If I just get another degree…

In my striving for lifelong happiness by chasing things, changing circumstances, working to get better, I’ve realized nothing I do is going to make me happy.

Less Is More

Most people I know who make more money continue to live on the edge, have lots of debt, and are not any further ahead. Instead of putting more away when they get a new job or a raise, they just buy more stuff … better cars, bigger houses. Then they are in the same unhappy boat they were in before.

And most who achieve the things they want realize that those things don’t make them happy at all. (Oh, maybe there is a momentary thrill.)

Seduction

I think back to a time I wanted a new car. I wanted that fancy blue convertible so badly I could taste it. So I bought it, and it was a thrill for the first couple of weeks, but after that, it was just transportation. It did not make me any happier, and I would argue it made me less happy because I had a bigger lease payment.

Humility

Today, I drive a 2002 Honda Element. I bought it because it was my ideal paint car … I didn’t have to worry about getting cadmium yellow paint on the leather seats of my Volvo (which happened). And every time I get the desire for something new and shiny, I think about how little I drive, how much I love my car, and how I have three kids going into college and I don’t need anything else to create financial pressure. 

I have an acquaintance who is a billionaire and drives a 12-year-old Buick because he is practical and doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone.

So if things, changes, events don’t make me happy, then how do I get happy?

Changes Alone Won’t Work

I’ve realized that if I’m not happy now, then changes won’t make me happy. What I’m focused on is living with joy, knowing that no matter how good or how bad things are, my joy is always present. Even when things are tough, when life throws difficult challenges, that joy remains in my heart. 

Joy itself should be the goal — not hoping some new thing will make you happy.

OK, then, how do I get joy?

Joy comes from gratitude. Being thankful for what you have, no matter how good or bad your circumstances are. Being thankful that you still have breath, that you still have life. 

Have you ever seen sad stories on Facebook or met people who are in terrible circumstances who make the best of them and are living with joy?

That’s what I strive to be.

Challenge Your Brain

Don’t get me wrong, we should want to be the best version of ourselves. We need to take ourselves to higher levels to challenge our brains, and we owe it to ourselves to strive for excellence, to play the game at the highest level. But if you’re doing it to find happiness, I don’t think you’ll find it there.

Being You

Joy also comes from being your own person, being who you truly are. I tell my kids that the minute you cross the line to doing something sleazy or dishonest or inappropriate, you live on the other side of that line. It may be a small thing, but the next time, you’ll rationalize a little wrongdoing again, and it will grow and grow until you’ve lost the trust of others, and you may end up in jail. They always say that once-innocent people end up in prison because they tell themselves, “It won’t matter, it’s just a dollar, no one will notice.”

Being your own person means living on your own terms, no matter what they are. If you’re not meeting your own terms, you’re crossing over the line against yourself.

Resolutions Are for Amateurs

In a couple of days we’ll celebrate the start of the year 2020. Instead of making a bunch of resolutions that will be broken, how about just living with gratitude and joy on your own terms? When you live like that, everything else will fall into place and you’ll be more successful in your life than you ever imagined. 

Find joy in each moment of each day. Be grateful for where you are and what you have. Forgive those around you no matter what, because not forgiving means living in chains binding you to your anger. Let go, and live on your terms.

What about you?

Are you chasing happiness? 

Do you find joy in today, in the now?

Are you grateful for where you are now?

Are you forgiving to others?

There is no better way to start 2020 than with joy in your heart.

Happy 2020 … see you next year.

Eric Rhoads

PS: Close your eyes for a moment and ask yourself this question: What is something I’ve always wanted to do, but have not done?

What comes to mind?

Now, listen to the judging in your head: “Oh, I could never do that.” There is usually some reason.

It seems to me if you have always wanted to do something, if it’s the first thing that comes to mind, you should find a way to do it in 2020. Roadblocks are only meant to keep the amateurs off the road. People who want things never listen to the voices in their head telling them what’s not possible. They never let the reasons things cannot be done get in the way. I believe in you. It’s your turn. Nothing is impossible.

Almost every time I’m outside painting, someone approaches me and says, “I wish I could do that, but I don’t have any talent. I can’t even draw a stick figure.” To me, that’s a cry for help, and I believe I can teach anyone to draw or paint. Anyone, even you. I put together a simple system for those people. It will teach you things most art teachers don’t teach, and I believe you will have success (unless you don’t try it). People who read my social media posts (follow me at ericrhoads on Facebook — though I have no room for more friends, according to them — and @ericrhoads on Instagram) say they wish they could travel the world painting like I do. The first step is learning to paint. The rest will come. I have a free lesson at www.paintbynote.com, a system I came up with to learn using the principle of musical notes. Try it. Don’t give up when you get frustrated — frustration is the signal that you’re about to have a breakthrough.