Need a new search?

Breathe … that’s what I tell myself as I take in the fresh Adirondack air as I do my yoga stretches on the dock to the sound of the loons and the quiet rustle of leaves. It’s the perfect July morning, and a day that will be filled with the smells of grilled burgers and exploding fireworks. Happy 4th. I truly appreciate our independence and freedom. 

Have you ever had a moment when you wake up to complete clarity?

Ever carried the weight of something on your shoulders for years, and suddenly found it released?

The true purpose of life is about lessons that strengthen us, make us better, make us more well rounded and experienced. But sometimes those lessons knock us on our butts.

Living a Dream

A few years ago I was telling a story to a friend about my experience with a company I had founded in Silicon Valley. When I started the company, I was living the dream. I was mingling with superstars in the midst of the dot-com boom, people who today are household names. I was in the middle of the action, living the dream.

Dream Destroyed

So what could possibly go wrong? As I was telling the story, I caught myself telling another story I had been telling myself, to soothe my personal pain. It was a story of blame, of circumstances that were caused by other things, like 9/11. But suddenly, I was thinking of the story in a new way. I had told this story of failure time and again, yet this time it was different. And this time the story ended differently. I finally admitted to myself that I screwed up, that I owned the failure, that it was not someone else’s fault, it was mine. 

Later the same day, I had a huge moment of clarity. I had been telling this story to myself for two decades, and I had stopped trying big things, taking big risks, because I did not want to relive that pain.

Wow.

Twenty years of opportunity wasted. 

My friend Michelle Abraham recently shared a powerful quote from her dad, the great Jay Abraham.

“Defeat is not permanent.” —  Jay Abraham

How would my life have changed if I had not cowered in the corner, if I had jumped right back in?

In our conversation Michelle said, “It doesn’t matter if you fail. But if you give up, your life is over.”

Gun Shy

Though I moved on to other things, other ideas and dreams, I realized I had not accomplished one big dream because I had become gun shy. I was telling myself I would never again subject myself to harsh, sometimes mean investors, or to overly aggressive boards of directors.

I was throwing myself a pity party, no longer taking chances on big ideas. And for years I had blamed others. But I was the problem. My perception was the problem. My fear got in my way.

What about you?

What are you telling yourself that isn’t really true?

What are you avoiding because it was painful? Would it be painful again? Would a change of perspective make a difference?

Looking back, I think I’d be completely different today, able to deal with any adversity thrown my way. Even if I had jumped back in soon after, I’d have figured it out, as long as I was willing to stop blaming others.

Hit Me Again!

Accepting the blame for your own failures is one of the most empowering things you can do.

Like a fighter who has been wounded, you know what to expect and are willing to take more hits. The key is knowing there will be hits, knowing they will be painful, but having the tenacity and courage to remain standing. 

And … if you do fail, it’s not permanent.

Avoiding Love

I have a friend who had a bad marriage that ended. So, instead of getting back out there, he never dated again. Though there is a normal grieving period or recovery time, “never again” is too long. And the marriage’s failure was 50 percent his own fault. Accept it and move on so you don’t destroy what’s left of your life. 

I look back on my life of failures, of things I thought I’d love, and realize my fear got in my way.

I got thrown off a horse, slammed into the wall of an inside ring during a competition. I stopped riding. I crashed an airplane. I stopped flying.

Fear of repeating failures was dominating my life — yet, having failed, I’d be more experienced and less likely to fail.

How much time have you and I wasted because of our fear of hurt or failure?

It’s not permanent.

I wish I had learned this as a kid. And I remembered “try, try again” from my parents, but somewhere in the midst of life, I lost my courage. Thankfully, I regained it by admitting that I was the problem.

Next time, I’ll heal faster, and get up and take another hit, and another, and another.

Ridicule Can Be Good?

I was watching a documentary about David Icke, a controversial subject. He had reached a point in his career where he was ridiculed on national TV, leading to a decade of ridicule for him and his family. And though it was a miserable and difficult period of his life, he looked back and realized it was the most important thing that ever happened to him because he no longer had to be worried about being ridiculed. He had already experienced it. Now nothing could stop him.

What’s stopping you?

Pain makes your muscles stronger. Fire makes steel stronger. The most empowering thing you can do is admit your mistakes, your failures, and realize where you’re avoiding pain. Then, with that clarity, you no longer have to avoid the pain.

Eric Rhoads

PS: Your mindset controls the outcome of your life. If you fear the next punch, you’ll duck. But if you tell yourself, “Bring it on,” you’re conditioned and ready.

I caught myself being fearful of getting back out after COVID. But finally, I had to ask myself, do I want to live in fear?

If you want to get out … I have some things coming up that will be grand celebrations.

• In August, my global art conference called Pastel Live, where we’ve brought the world’s top pastel painters to teach you.
• In September my Fall Color Week artists’ retreat. A week of painting with friends, even if you’re new to painting outdoors.
• In October my Fine Art Trip to Germany and Austria, to tour the art world behind the scenes.
• In November, no in-person FACE convention this year, but we’re doing Realism Live online, which is all about realistic painting of portraits, figures, still life, landscape, and more.
• December, my annual Forecast conference at the Harvard Club in New York for my friends in the broadcast industry.

Plenty to keep you busy and get you out for the year.

Rich, deep blues fill the cloudless sky, surrounded by massive ancient growth cedar and pine trees. The mirror we call Spitfire Lake is a perfect reflection, not a ripple in sight. 

Distant log cabins on the lake are starting to fly their flags, an indicator that people are coming in for the summer. Soon this quiet spot will see an occasional fisherman, some sailboats and water skiers. Signs of summer are upon us.

Not only is the lake reflecting, but I find myself reflecting on my father, with this being the first Father’s Day I’m unable to make a call, send a gift, or see him in person. Not a day has gone by since his passing in March that I haven’t started to e-mail or phone him to share something, only to realize they don’t have e-mail in Heaven. 

My Guest Today

I thought about the best way to honor my dad on this day, and since I’ve talked about him a lot in the past weeks, I asked myself what he would want, or what he would say, if I had asked him to be a guest writer. This, I think, is what he would say to you, as he looked at you with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face:

You Are Special

“I see things in you that you may not see in yourself. I think there are big plans for you that you may not realize, and it seems to me that you are maybe not thinking big enough. I don’t think God has small plans for any of us. I think he expects us to make big plans, and I think he has given us exceptional abilities to do big things.

Curiosity Is a Gift

“I know what you’re thinking … I don’t have the skills, or the money, or the special circumstances or advantages. But part of the gift you have is the curiosity to discover the things you need and find a way to do them. Though you’ll have roadblocks, and moments in your life when you’ll feel there is no hope, I know that you’ll look at them, study them, and make a list of 50 ways to achieve them, and one of those things you think of will do the trick. You just have to know that failure is not an option. You were not made to fail, you were made to win, and you can always find a way to win ethically.

Ethics Rules, Always

“You might be tempted to take shortcuts, but you need to always think in terms of excellence. How can you do things better than anyone on earth? How can you stand out? How can you be the best of the best? Anyone can take shortcuts, anyone can succeed by ignoring ethics, but they can’t look at themselves in the mirror. You want to know that you succeeded without doing things illegally or immorally, or with compromise, or by taking the low road instead of the high road. And don’t be a copycat. Anyone can copy other people’s ideas and make a couple of slight changes. Instead, be original. Copycats are simply unethical thieves who are too lazy to invent their own ideas and want to ride on the coattails of others. 

Whose Dream Will You Chase?

“How do you want to spend your time? Do you want to spend your time living someone else’s dream, or living your own dream? You only have so much time, and it will leave you very quickly. Your time should be spent building a dream you believe in, something that will change the world, something that others cannot do, that only you can do. You’re special. You’re here for a purpose. You should not waste what you’ve been given.

Monitor Your Mind

“You will have doubts. Negative thoughts are normal, but as soon as you realize you are having them, you need to push them out. They don’t serve you well. Remember, if you think you can’t, you are right. If you think you can, you will. Things may seem overwhelming, but when that happens, break them into smaller projects and win them, one small piece at a time. 

All People Are Important

“You will meet a lot of people along your journey. Some will not seem important to you, and you may ignore or dismiss them. This is a mistake. People can see through you if you only spend time and attention on people you need. Every person you meet, no matter what their station in life, has a gift and you can learn something from them, and you can contribute something to make their life better, usually by pointing out things they can’t see in themselves. Everyone can use a cheerleader and someone to give them hope.They have been placed in your path for a reason, so use that to help them. It’s not always about finding others to help you. 

The Gift of Giving

“There is an unwritten law that when you help others, you end up helping yourself. You should not do it for that purpose, but it always turns out that way. When you give of your time, your mind, and your encouragement, you can make a big difference. When you give of your money, you’ll see a return even when not intended. But never talk about your gifts. That’s private. If you’re doing it to brag, it won’t serve you well.

Humility

“Life is about quiet elegance. Be the best you can be, but don’t toot your own horn too much. Instead, there is power in knowing what you’ve done and not feeling the need to tell the world. Humility is a great gift. But being a wallflower won’t serve you either. You need to learn to speak up for yourself, and sell your great ideas. If you lack the ability to tell your stories and motivate others, it will be hard to make your dreams a reality. Invest in learning to sell, to speak in public, and to convince others in the face of obstacles. Remember, a sale always starts with a ‘no.’ Don’t give up, don’t give in, but do it in a way that others can see your vision, the benefits to them, and in a way that they can save face. Build others up, not with flattery, but with true belief in their abilities.

The 3-Month Rule

“You can change the outcome of your life, your business, your relationships within 90 days. I’ve seen companies go from zero to being on the road to giant success just with one idea and 90 days to implement the change.

Accept Blame

“If things are not going well, remember, it’s your fault — not someone else’s, not market conditions. Don’t be a blamer. Be a contrarian. Don’t accept the excuses others are using. Great fortunes were made in the Depression. And don’t follow the advice of the masses. Use thinking time, and don’t stop with one idea, keep going till you try new, less obvious ideas. Thinking time will solve even the most challenging problems. If you follow the pack, you’ll go off the cliff with the pack. And don’t cloud your decisions (especially investments) with emotion. Emotion is wrong 50 percent of the time. Facts and data rarely lie.”

Dad would cap everything with his idea of the ticket to Heaven (John 3:16).

It’s hard to wrap a life of Dad’s lessons into a few paragraphs, yet there is power in his words, and I’m honored to share them this Father’s Day.

You can do this. You’ve got this. Now, go for it.

Dads, this is your day!

Eric Rhoads

PS: Yesterday, after a week of painting at my 10th annual painters’ retreat, we all said our goodbyes. My kids say I tear up with goodbyes, and yesterday was no exception. After a year of anticipation, and a lot of quality time from morning till late night, I hate for it to end. It’s truly like a summer camp experience for adults who happen to love painting. We timed it so everyone could get home for Father’s Day. I want to thank everyone for all the hugs and virtual hugs and hand bumps, and for the time we spent together getting closer acquainted. We had a lot of fun. And it feels so right to be together again. 

PS2: I’ve discovered that paintings with the most vibrant colors are pastel. And if you want to learn pastel as a beginner, or want to improve by learning from the world’s leading pastel artists, explore our August Pastel Live event, which will be held online. And more of our virtual art events are coming this year.

PS3: I’m taking a group of art lovers, art collectors, and artists on an European Art Tour. Fine Art Connoisseur editor Peter Trippi and I lead the tour, and this year we’re going to Vienna and Berlin. You’ll experience art like never before. It’s not a painters’ trip (though some paint in their spare time). Check it out. 

PS 4: Fall in the Adirondacks is spectacular. My Fall Color Week painters’ retreat will be here this year only, at a new location, a camp called Saranac Village. It’s a classic old Adirondack great camp that has been converted to a kids’ camp. This is the only time we’ll be able to get in ever, and only because of COVID. Check out the event and join us this fall.

PS5: Making for an even busier fall, I’m taking a group of painters to tour and paint Russia. You can paint the great cities of St. Petersburg and Moscow (plus tour) and the inland villages. It’s a rare trip that is not easy to create. We have 50 seats only, and I’ve just learned that two seats are still available. Because of visas, these need to be locked up soon. 

PS 6: Wanna go with me to New Zealand next March? I’m not 100% sure it will happen, but if you want to join the list to eventually be first to get the info, go to www.paintingnewzealand.com.

Imagine for a moment a cathedral in the sky, filled with stained glass, backlit by the sun. This morning’s sunrise is so brilliant, so color-rich, it could not be reproduced by the greatest stained glass craftspeople, the most brilliant painters, the most skilled photographers. The great painter Thomas Cole was accused by a newspaper of having made up the colors in his Adirondack paintings because such colors “did not exist in nature.” Of course, the reporters were in New York City, which was filled with coal smoke and soot, and the Adirondacks then, as now, were pristine and unpolluted.

Ancestors Sat Here

As I sit in an authentic 1890 Adirondack chair, on the dock originally built in 1860, the sunrise I’m seeing is exactly as our forefathers would have experienced it in this place as they, like me, drank their morning coffee. We are accompanied by a symphony of loons, spring birds, and the slight sound of breezes rustling through the birch leaves above.

A Big Day

For the last three decades, I’ve described a place that is indescribable. Growing up in the Midwest, a million miles of protected state park was never on my radar, and I find few know of it even now. For this reason, I’m excited when new friends join me here. Last night I greeted a little more than 100 people, visiting for my annual painters’ retreat. In a few minutes I’ll join them for breakfast and take them to my favorite spots for outdoor painting, and we’ll repeat it all daily for a week.

Sweet Reunion

I think just about everyone here was a bit nervous after a year of isolation, yet delighted to be in the proximity of others. It may have been the sweetest family reunion ever, with this being the first contact with friends and new friends for most of us. It’s a cautious toe in the water for a return to life as it once was.

If I were to ask you to take a year off, focus on doing things you love, and spend time with your family and your thoughts, you would tell me, “It’s not possible.” Yet now that you’ve done it, I have an important question: What will you do with it?

Important Takeaways

I cannot imagine there is one thinking person on earth who has survived without important lessons from the last year, and without a sense of how they want to reinvent their lives. And it would be a crime to have been given the gift of this year without taking advantage of your new perspective.

If you’ve ever read through previous years of “Coffee,” you’ve found that I’m big on the importance of defining what you don’t want to do. Though we tend to focus on dreams, I’ve found that eliminating the drudgery goes a long way toward happiness. And though we can’t always eliminate all of it, if we identify it, we can work towards elimination.

What did you discover about yourself?

Friends have shared their ideas with me…

• “I was wasting two hours a day commuting. Now I can work from home and be more productive and be happier.”
• “I was addicted to shopping and getting out. Once forced to stay home, I discovered how much more I like being home and am less likely to go out on a whim.”
• “I was flying too much. I spent too much of my life on the road. Once I stayed home, I got to know my kids on a deeper level and realized they did not know me, and I did not know them. I’ve already told my boss I’m not returning to that lifestyle.”
• “We used to waste hours every week in meetings. Now when we Zoom, we tend to get to the point and waste less time.”
• “When I was forced to stay home, I found myself making breakthroughs in my artwork because I spent more time painting and less time doing other things.”
• “I realised life is too short to spend my days doing what I’ve been doing. What if I had gotten sick and died? It was all a little too close to home. I need to get busy working toward my dreams and stop stalling with things that won’t contribute to getting to my goals.”

What would be on your list?

Now how will you change your life?

If you’re happy with the way things are, you’re in a good place.
If COVID has helped you see what you don’t want to do, consider it a gift, a slap in the face, an attention-getter.

Here’s a clue…

When life throws us these little gifts that open our eyes, we need to act fast. If too much time passes, we’ll fall back into our normal habits and not make the changes we need to make.

Oh, and if it’s uncomfortable, you’re on the right track. Discomfort is the magic dust that makes dreams come true.

Conditions will never, ever be perfect, the timing will never be right, there will never be enough time or money. Do it anyway.

Oh, and you won’t know how to do it. Just jump in. Find a way.

In Honor of Those Who Can’t

Think of all the people who never realized their dreams, who would give anything for another chance, who were taken away in the last year. We owe it to them to live our dreams, and to take advantage of the time we’ve got.

I know something you may not know … or believe.
You have it in you. You can do this. Only you can make it happen.

Go do it now. Don’t delay another day.

Eric Rhoads

PS: I’ve had friends tell me, “It’s different for you.” 

It’s not true. I get cold feet, I get scared, I get negative, I usually don’t have a clue how I’m going to accomplish something. And I’ve held back on opportunities because I did not feel worthy. I regret those lost opportunities. 

I too have to reinvent. I too will be a different person after COVID. I too will use my time differently. I’m working on my plan now, and I’ll reveal it when the time is right. I encourage you to do the same.

PS2: Because our kids are in college and we no longer had to return to Texas for an August school start, we experienced the fall color here this past fall. It was more beautiful than I had ever remembered. So I decided to hold my Fall Color Week here this year only, in a new location, a camp called Saranac Village. It’s a classic old Adirondack great camp that has been converted to a kids’ camp. This is the only time we’ll be able to get in ever, and it’s only because of COVID. Though it’s too late to sign up for my Adirondack painting event this week, you should check out the event and join us this fall.

PS3: I’m taking a group of art lovers, art collectors, and artists on a European Art Tour. Fine Art Connoisseur editor Peter Trippi and I lead the tour, and this year we’re going to Vienna and Berlin. You’ll experience art like never before. It’s not a painters’ trip (though some do paint in their spare time). Check it out.

PS4: Making for an even busier fall, I’m taking a group of painters to tour and paint Russia. You can paint (and tour) the great cities of St. Petersburg and Moscow and the inland villages. It’s a rare trip that is not easy to create. We have 50 seats only, and I’ve just learned that two seats are still available. Because of visas, these need to be locked up soon. 

PS5: I’ve discovered that paintings with the most vibrant colors are pastel. And if you want to learn pastel as a beginner, or want to improve by learning from the world’s leading pastel artists, explore our August Pastel Live event, which will be held online.

Green Scottish pines sway outside the window of my hotel room in Jupiter, Florida. The needles are almost a foot long, rich in brilliant green and dull brown colors, with little cones sticking out at the ends of the fuzzy branches. A dark, gloomy sky looms overhead.

I left here last Sunday morning after a successful four-day online art event (PleinAir Live) with word that I needed to get to Florida because my father was entering the next and last phase of his life. I dreaded the trip and what I would face.

An RV Trip

Just two weeks ago, Laurie and I were here for a two-week stay that ended up being close to a month. I extended it because I had a feeling that it might be the last time I get with my dad. It was worth taking two more weeks away from work. 

The Best Month Ever

When we were here my dad was still himself, just a little slower than normal. Talking up a storm, giving me advice, getting us ready for his next chapter, and communicating clearly. Though his treatments dragged him down, he was strong and vital, just a little less so than normal. And we were encouraged that the treatments would work, his strength would return, and at 94, he could see a couple more years or more. He always saw himself living to be the oldest person alive.

Rapid Change

But things change fast. We found him in hospice care, confined to a bed, able to hear and respond, but with a weak and hard-to-understand voice. Such a change from this larger-than-force of nature with the big, booming voice. 

A Tough Week

We spent the week, in small moments between rest, talking to him, bringing in family members, and watching smiles come to his face with the joy family brought him. Each day is the same, though a little worse. Yet each day is a blessing. My goal is to be at his side when he graduates his time on earth and moves to his time in Heaven. Having been with my mom, I found it a beautiful experience, and I want him to know we are there. My eyes well up as I write about the inevitable.

Fearing No More

As a kid, as long ago as I can remember, I always feared that my dad would die. Probably because I had seen other kids’ dads die, and though I knew of our family longevity, I always feared it. I feared it the same at 12 as I did at 50. I loved my dad so much, I just could not imagine life without him, and how difficult it would be. Yet here I sit, at his bedside, and I’ve come to terms, knowing his peace and that he is merely changing his address. I cannot imagine believing there is nothing more, nothing better. And I always knew this because my parents and grandparents always talked about the ticket to Heaven — that it was simple, required no works, was not about being good or bad, it was simply about accepting the word of John:3:16.

Some of my readers will be offended. That’s not my intent. Some will consider me a simple-minded person who believes in fairy tales. I’m OK with that.

So what’s this got to do with you?

Life is short, then you die. If you’re lucky, you’ll die instantly. If you’re unlucky, you may die a long and painful death. In either case, the end result is the same.

Quick Deterioration

This reminds me that in an instant, you can go from a vibrant, viable, strong human to one facing the final moments, weak, frail and unable to fend for yourself, unable to control anything.

If you operate as if there is no tomorrow, and make today a day you can be proud of, that’s the best we can be. 

Act Fast

Do not delay that thing you’ve always dreamed of doing. Three weeks ago my dad, who expected to recover, was talking about places he wanted to travel. He wanted to take an RV trip with us; he loved being in an RV. Today, that’s no longer possible. 

Someday is like smoke. It can drift away as a vapor, very quickly. Don’t live on somedays. Live on todays. 

Those dreams you have need to happen. If they are important to you, don’t wait. You’ll find a way. 

If you’re telling yourself you don’t have the time … you do have it, you just have to choose to take it. Do it before you truly don’t have any time left.

Take the trip. Build the dream business. Take up something you’ve told yourself you want to do. One day, it will be you, or me, lying on a bed waiting to catch the train out of life.

Not So Bad Anymore

I have my aches, my moments of aging, but suddenly I feel they are nothing. I have things to do, places to visit, and have to assume I have very little time to get them all done. Though we hope for the best, doing things now is important. And doing them with the people you love is critical. 

On the final breath, it’s not going to be about how many hours you worked. The money you made won’t matter. All that matters is who is there with you, who loves you so much they are willing to be at your side, for as long as it takes. 

Spend your time on love, developing friendships, helping others, and living your impossible dreams, or at least knowing you truly tried. And invest deeply in the gold that will be with you to the end, those you love.

Eric Rhoads

Birds are tweeting after a week of agony from coming this far north a little too early. Piles of melting snow and ice remain after our rare arctic blast this past week, which has been one for the record books here in Austin. We were fortunate and never lost power, and even then, with the furnace trying to keep up, it was cold in the house and we had frozen and burst pipes. But hope is showing its face with some warming sun this morning. 

It’s been a difficult week, where 4 million were without power for three or more days, freezing in their own homes, and it will be a big loss for insurance companies and a gain for plumbers who will come in from every state. We’ve put in our request because of those burst pipes. 

This week is a reminder of the old Scout motto … be prepared. A last-minute trip to the grocery found the shelves bare, and the city issued a boil-water order to those of us who still had water after those burst pipes. Thankfully, we had what we needed.

Be Prepared

Some of us will forget it all three days into the sunshine, but others, like me, will take some actions now to be ready for the next time. Freezing inside a home for a week can be avoided, and maybe some pipes can be insulated and a backup generator installed. It seems frivolous, but it won’t feel that way when it’s needed. 

I regret not anticipating this storm and being more prepared, but I was also thinking about regrets in life and work.

If I look back on my life to date, I don’t have a lot of regrets. But I’ve thought of a few. And most of them have to do with poor communication. 

Fights, Arguments, and Stubbornness

Looking back, I see that if I had taken the time to listen, and been less anxious to react, I could have saved a lot of wasted energy in arguments, fights, or just being stubborn. Almost all of the things that occurred were prompted because I was quick to judge.

Count to 10

As a child I was coached, “Count to 10 before you react.” It was great advice. As an adult, a counselor once said, “Just say, ‘This isn’t a good time. I need a little time to process this and I’ll get back to you in an hour,’ or ‘tomorrow.’” What great advice … but you do have to come back and deal with it. 

Kids are a great test of our patience, and our instant reactions are often hasty and overblown. “Let’s talk about this tonight” is a great way to let the anger subside, the emotions reduce, and the steam bleed out of the old pressure cooker.

Think about your own life and the ugly “That’s not like me” reactions.

And think about intent … and how much you care for the person. Is the reaction worth the pain it will cause? Do we really need to teach a lesson or make a point?

Exploding Pressure

Pipes freeze and the water expands, exerting pressure on the pipes. If you can’t relieve the pressure, you have broken pipes and you’re without water for days. Just like relationships. You get angry, you freeze up or overreact, and the relationship is damaged. Sometimes it’s a small, easily repairable crack, other times the pipes are broken in multiple places and healing is difficult. And sometimes we get stubborn, and we distance ourselves.

We’re Not Talking

I remember a sad moment when an acquaintance told me he had been estranged from his father and had not spoken to him for 18 years. I asked what his father had done that had been so horrible, and as he started to tell me, he realized that, whatever it was, it wasn’t so bad after all. The emotion had gone away, but the stubbornness had not. I suggested maybe he should reconnect with his dad. But he said, “I’m not over it yet.” I think he was in love with the idea of being right. Three weeks later his dad had passed, and he seriously regretted his decision. The moment someone dies, much of the baggage goes away, but then we can’t go back to resolve things.

Self-Inflicted Wounds

I think people like that think they are punishing a parent or a friend by not seeing them, but the punishment is a self-inflicted wound too. When we have unresolved anger, it comes out in other ways, impacting our kids, our families, our work, and our health. It’s not good for anyone and accomplishes nothing.

I am always curious when I hear of people estranged over anger, and rarely does the crime equal the punishment. Yes, there are crimes that do require distance to avoid pain or abuse, but disagreements or hurt feelings do not seem to me to be reasons for not speaking. 

I had a distant family member who was not speaking to her dad and mom because she was convinced by her husband that she had been wronged by being expected to help raise her younger siblings. Once the husband was gone, the healing began, and she reconnected and had a few good years with her parents. 

I have a buddy whose daughter isn’t speaking to him, does not show up for family events, and only calls when she needs money, which of course he gives her in hopes it will heal things. She is angry over the way she was raised. He and his wife are not sure what that means. It breaks his heart. What she may not realize is that the estrangement is probably disrupting her life and relationships more than she knows.

Overreacting

Sadly, I have dissolved business relationships in anger over an e-mail when I should have picked up the phone. And sometimes I’ve picked up the phone too soon and said something I regretted. Just this week I almost destroyed a relationship by overreacting to an e-mail from someone, but once we talked, I realized I had misread intent. 

So my best advice…

1. Don’t hit send in anger. Count to 10 … or 1,000 if necessary.
2. Don’t pick up the phone in anger.
3. Find out the INTENT before reacting.
4. Wait till all the emotion has dissipated, and then do your best to address it head on, with a listening ear.
5. Check your mood. Are you reacting badly to something because something else has irritated you?
6. Give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume they have bad intentions. 
7. Take a breath and ask yourself, “Will my reaction make things better or worse?”
8. Listen before reacting.
9. Apologize as soon as you realize you acted badly.
10. There is rarely a good reason to disconnect from someone in anger. Almost all things can be healed. Estrangements are bad for everyone, but worst for you.
11. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if you keep getting stuck.

I was not raised in a perfect household. I never heard my parents argue. Ever. I’m not sure that was a good thing, but I’m guessing it was a rule my parents implemented. What might have been better is to hear that arguing is part of life, and finding a resolution to arguments is a lesson we all need. I did not get that, therefore I overreacted unfairly to criticism until I learned. 

Solid Advice

But I was also raised to put myself in someone else’s shoes before I judge them, and to turn the other cheek and not seek revenge when someone wrongs me. Both have served me well.

There would be no disagreements, no wars, no major issues, if we would just talk without reacting. We would not puff up and allow our egos to become offended and need to prove our dominance.

What can you do to improve your communication?

What can you do to heal wounds?

Where do you need to listen without reacting or responding?

Who do you need to call today?

Don’t be like the frozen and cracked pipes. Relieve the pressure before it builds. Never go to bed angry. Face it, no matter how hard it is. And if something bothers you, get it off your chest in a loving way. If not, it will always come out, but only after building up to the point of explosion.

If we all worked on these issues, we would all be happier. It starts with me.

Eric Rhoads

A blanket of quiet has covered the sky, which is dropping flakes of white powder softly on the ground. The branches are sagging with the extra weight, and the creaking tree limbs are decorated in white lace. Our yard has become a magical winter wonderland.

Last Sunday was such a day, when this normally temperate part of Texas was coated in snow. Soon after I wrote to you, we started out with rain, which was quickly transformed to little balls of sleet, and then the sky opened up with sheets of snow. Three inches rapidly accumulated, and I did what any self-respecting child would do. I started a snowball fight with the kids upon arrival at the church parking lot, and when I got home, I went painting in the snow. How fun!!

When it snows here, once every two or three years, it takes us by surprise. It’s simply something we don’t expect. Writers often talk about “suspending disbelief” when watching or reading a work of fiction. But sometimes we have to suspend what we’ve believed and accept what is. 

Life can be filled with moments of suspended belief.

Words I Did Not Expect

As a child, I never heard my parents swear. And if someone would have told me they sometimes did, I would never have believed them. It was something we did not do. Yet one day, when I was about 13, we were on our little boat docked at Lake Erie. My dad was on the floor with the engine all torn apart, trying to get it to work again. Suddenly, I see him struggling with getting a nut off, trying to turn the wrench with all his weight behind it. Crack! The wrench slipped, pinched his fingers, and he shouted “Dammit!”

I was mortified. 

I had heard other kids say their parents swore, but mine never did, and I had just witnessed it. I did not know how to handle it. I can remember being very uncomfortable. I never said a word to anyone about it, as if I was holding a big dirty secret. And for the record, I don’t think I ever heard him swear again. Ever. All I could do was accept what I did not want to believe. 

There’s a Name for It

The term is “cognitive dissonance” — when we hold one belief and suddenly have evidence that our belief was wrong. It’s a conflict between what we hold on to and what we now know. And people often try to minimize those feelings of conflict, refusing to recognize them and even avoiding new information. In my case, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and feeling a little guilty.

Have you ever experienced it?

Jolted in Disbelief

One time I was sitting in my office when my trusted colleague, who ran accounting, came in and sat down. “I need to talk to you,” he said. He went on to tell me that in his former job, he did something he thought was legal that turned out not to be. He told me he was giving his two-week notice because he was heading to prison for a year. 

At that moment, my beliefs were suspended. I had known this guy for a couple of years. He was straight as an arrow, a nice man, and totally trustworthy. He was an integral part of my team. Suddenly, I had to deal with what he told me, and I could not believe it. Of all things, the man running my accounting was going to jail for something he did at another company. How could it be? Did he steal from me? How could I be so blind? At first I thought it was a prank. I really struggled with it and felt betrayed and confused.

Have you ever thought one thing about a person, only to find out something unbelievable?

Beyond Belief

When living in Salt Lake, our offices shared the floor with two other businesses and we got very acquainted with our neighbors. One day the police came in and dragged one of our neighbors out. This nice, quiet, friendly guy, it turns out, had been kidnapping and killing children and burying them in his yard. We were all horrified because our own kids had been around from time to time. He was one of the people we said hello to every day. He came to our parties. Again, I had to suspend my own beliefs. I was sure the police had to be wrong, and the court would find out it was someone else. But the evidence was strong, and he was convicted.

Letting Go

One of the most difficult things any of us can face is needing to let go of our beliefs when they are no longer right. Human nature is to hold on to and defend them, and when someone brings us absolute proof that we were wrong, we often continue to fight for what we believe, or, at least, we struggle with accepting the change. We want proof. And when we see proof we were wrong, we are often skeptical (which is generally a good thing). Maybe we think someone made it up, edited it, Photoshopped it, etc.

Suspending belief is like a roller coaster ride. It can be difficult, or it can be a fun show to watch and experience and one of the best parts about our personal growth. 

Life has been filled with surprises where I’ve had to adjust my belief systems. People were often not what or who they said they were. Technology that wasn’t possible became possible. People I believed to be solid turned out to be disturbing. 

Getting Uncomfortable

If you ever want to have an uncomfortable day, write down everything you believe and don’t believe in your life. What you believe about the people you believe in. And don’t forget the people or things you don’t believe in.

Then ask yourself, in each case, why you believe what you do. “What was my original source? Is my belief still valid?” (Something like a simple online search might reveal new science.)

It’s also good to ask yourself, “Do I believe it because I want it to be true?

Chicken or Egg

For me, eggs are a great example. I don’t eat them, because my lifelong belief is that they are filled with fat and cholesterol. But that has been disproven. Turns out eggs are a good fat we need, and though they do have cholesterol, it’s not dangerous in moderation. Yet I still tend to cling to that past belief because I held it so long. It’s intellectually foolish but emotionally comforting.

Evidence

Just because you think something is true isn’t evidence enough. Maybe it even used to be true, but no longer is. Maybe the voices we’ve trusted to tell us the truth (teachers, preachers, parents, friends, books, TV, radio, social media, celebrities) just keep saying things, either because they still believe them and never bothered to find out for themselves, or they are holding on to old information that has changed.

Thinking Ahead

Five years ago my dad said to me, “What would happen if you could never hold any in-person events again? Could your business withstand it?” I told him that could never happen. Yet with COVID, it did. I had to suspend my beliefs and adopt new ones to survive.

What about you? What are you believing? 

Are your beliefs serving you, or would different beliefs serve you better?

How have 2020 and early 2021 changed your beliefs?

What are you clinging to because you want to believe it?

What do you believe that is no longer true?

Try, if you can, to suspend your beliefs about everything. 

Don’t accept the word of anyone else. Question every expert.

And if you find you’ve been believing something that is wrong, don’t beat up on yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

Find out for yourself. Be curious. It will serve you well.

Eric Rhoads